My first condom.

"Sometimes I wonder if I will remain a virgin forever,
the very thought of it scares me."

~5th of October 2009 : 1.30am~

Dear Diary,

One fine day.. I went to Guardian Pharmacy to buy anti-body zit shampoo refills.

Then looking around the pharmacy, I stared at a durex pleasure-max and remembered all the values instilled in me through education that I should use a fucking condom before I fuck. So I took it. It's not hard or complicating, it's just a normal consumer and retailer thing.

(I do admit though, this may serve as a tutorial to virgin guys out there.)

As I approached the receptionist..

I started having thoughts to the extremity to the point where I was actually planning to steal the condom pack.

But then I manned myself up and knew, that this was something every man had to do, even if it was the first step.

After all, how could you bear knowing you stuck something you stole into someone?

As the receptionist scanned the condom's barcode . . .

I did forget to check the price, and god it was hella expensive at $24 or something seeing how China distributes free condoms in front of their hotels, then again it's Durex.

Oh I actually caught the receptionist, she's a nice aunt who gave me a health magazine for free that some other customer bought and forgot to bring with her.

Durex pleasuremax & free magazine, shampoo too

Holy fucking cibai!

FAQs

• No you will not be asked to identify your age
• No the receptionist will not give you a perverted or a disgusted look
• Neither should you
  
• Price of good condom packs're around $30
• Yes I am a pure virgin, and a gentleman at that.
  

Random: Woooot go Obama

~Sam

Face them head on.

"It was a long time ago..
Since when did I start to care?
I feel enlightened,
I feel free,
I feel the way I had always been.
A child at heart, never growing up"

~8th of September 2009 : 10.30am~

Dear Diary,

Diary, it's taken some time for me to think, only now I don't have to.

Dreaming is easy, Reality is bitter. Dad's said some words that make alot of sense yesterday, I feel like I've been liberated and the underlying subconscious stress has just vanished.

It's not that I can really relate to dad or anything, I don't even like listening to him. But in my thoughts I thank him for sharing his experience. What I thought I knew, I didn't know, and now I know, I know what I think.

I always wanted to feel as free and as passionate as MJ whenever he got on that stage, climb to the top, but I asked myself how? I look at myself at the mirror and keep thinking to myself, 'Am I tall enough?', 'How do I get there?', 'When do I get there?', all I did was think.. when I should've been dancing!!???

Often I believe there is a problem, when there isn't.
Issues I believed that held me back, turned out to be paranoia.
Self-critical, self-degrading.. all I did was magnify a problem that wasn't even there.

I will not be fooled, I will not be tricked again.
I haven't felt my best in a long while, I feel like I'm 13 again and I can reach it now.

When challenges arise, I realize,
I don't really need to think about it.

Thinking about makes it more difficult, seem more complicated, it lets it into my head, that's why I sucked. Stress is created, then short-term memory loss appears again.

I just have to think differently; simply; emptily.
What people think, what they have to say, it doesn't matter. I love what I love, I speak what I speak, I do what I do, I feel what I want to feel, and I live how I want to live.

So face them head on with my range of ability, clear away all the rubbish accumulating in my head and finally be free of 'issues' I once thought existed.

Dad's story about DonBanShinki being scammed by their manager, being his puppet really made alot of sense, it wasn't one of his old-fashioned lectures that I would've turned a deaf ear to and let the words pass through my other ear, it was modern. It was something I understood.

I will redeem my determination.
Keep looking ahead, I will work hard, practice, polish, perfect it.

Now for some dream goals..

• Six packed abs, well built arms, 4 inches of chest, gym everyday
  
• Blog more often, wipe procrastination away
  
• Run run run, run everyday, I need to lose some jiggly and build rock hard muscles.
  
• Dance dance dance, keep on moving, dance to the beat, innovate, dance everyday, for you MJ.
  
• Keep things simple and clear, overthinking will bring me down
• Get into Taylor's, start on Geography and History o' levels and do it on Jan, aim for Public Relations. I need that damn advertising group.
  

~Sam

Negligence

"Many say I have the ultimate asian eyes.
I don't believe them,
But I don't doubt them either."

~25th of August 2009 : 10.30pm~

Dear Diary,

I've been neglecting you, diary, for quite a while now. Seeing last I posted on the 17th of July 09 after that refreshing trip, I'm such a bum. I think I joined dance class around October 08, now I'm like, really good at it. Sadly I'm not committed enough to practice it everyday, same with guitar, I'm too occupied (in my head).

Recently I've taken an interest to top of the line games, finished Crysis, Fall Out 3, Street Fighter 4, Call of Duty 4 etc. And they're gooooood.. As a kid I was always thinking of how to stay on the computer and earn money at the same time. Figures I'd just have to open up a cyber cafe and manage it.

I've landed a modeling job in November, wonder how it'll turn out. As for now I have to plan a buttload of things stuck on my head like superglue. I am thinking of my true potential as a human being, but it always leads to the same thing; I have to go out into the world and see for myself. 'Determination, Potential.'

~Sam

I'm back, baby

Back from Langkawi, burned like a peanut with desire.

~17th of July 2009 : 11.30pm~

Dear Diary,

Guess who's back on a monkey stick, monkey stick, monkey stick.
Yeah I just flew in Langkawi and I feel like a million fucking bucks. I had time to think and reflect on myself, have fun for 4 whole days and made a decision to get my life back on track.

What I hope to achieve, what I live for, what my goal is. These are important but above all, I must always have mind over body, brain over arms, heart over feet. If I let my body take control of me, I'll end up like some emo shithead with no hopes and dreams.

If I am dead serious on what I want to do and put all my mental and physical strengths to build it, there will surely be progress.

My confidence is up, I'm 800% positive, I can smile again and I really feel the need to improve.. I feel like I can finally look in the mirror and look into my own eyes again. Let's roll.

Planning to - dance study and get hit on, yeah.


P.S. Still thinking of MJ.

~Sam

Michael Jackson's memorial : Fit for the King

Michael Josophine Jackson,
Always in my heart.
(1958 - 2009)

~8th of July 2009 : 9.20pm~

Dear Diary,

Today morning I heard on the radio while driving to work, 'Michael Jackson's memorial on Star World channel 711 on Astro, be there at 6.30pm'.

I was like holy fuck, guest appearances by my other idol Stevie Wonder and one of my fav singers John Mayer. I knew I couldn't make it back in time so I had to leave early from work or something. But I had to settle a problem and I left work at 6, drove 70 miles per hour as fast as I could and arrived back home at 7pm. I almost crashed into a motorcycle but MJ's more important.. hah. So 30minutes late was alright, as long as I got to see the ending.

I watched the Michael Jackson's memorial a few minutes late. Tears almost came out as I listened and watched the beautiful song 'Heal the World' being performed, family members wearing sparkling white gloves and friends giving their sad speeches, and then the small little girl at the end of the show had to come out and grab the mic with her little hands and whack the tears outta my head.

In the end MJ's brothers and brothers, relatives, they all carried Michael Jackson's golden coffin out of the place, it was a sight to remember.

Michael Jackson, people I think of and lovers to have in the future
But you will always have a special place in my heart. And my legs.. my arms.. I'll think of you when I dance haha.


~Sam

Goodbye, Michael Jackson.

.:: Friday the 25th of June 2009 7.26pm ::.

Dear Diary,

Some very grim news has reached my ears today, the legendary Michael Jackson has passed away on the 25th of June 2009 at UCLA Medical Centre.

Michael Jackson has been one of my biggest childhood heroes for as long as I could remember, or even begin to THINK when I was a toddler. Riding the backseat of my uncle and aunt's Mercedes Benz while listening to 'Heal the World', it's so nostalgic.

News of his death feels unreal to me, he's just like one of those walking gods who would seem to live on forever. But his spirit has left the world today, and I must come to accept it. I feel more shock than grief right now, but it'll soon hit me like a brick that he is really gone. His death pars with my other childhood hero, Steve Irwin the croc hunter, god damn why do they have to die so early.

Even up till now, I never get tired of listening to his music that transcends beyond anything a normal person could ever accomplish. Some of my favorite songs I can name on the top of my head are 'Billy Jean', 'Heal the World', 'Black of White', 'The Way You Make Me Feel', 'Earth Song', ' Smooth Criminal', 'You rock my wold', 'Don't stop till you get enough' and 'Rock with you'. And every single one of those are amazing.

I can't stand people eating so much shit from the media that they label MJ as a child molestor, he was forced to accept what he was not in order to get past all that bullshit, Michael, you are a hero. A hero not only to the United States, but to the world. Every single country will listen to your music. Your music connects everyone together and rock with your beat.

I will let my son hear your music MJ, my son's sons, my son's sons sons, and I'll make my son make his sons and their sons and every one of my kid's kids listen to Michael Jackson.

You will never be forgotten, because once you forget someone who's gone, their very existence will fade away. Fuck dammit I planned to visit you when I got older.

So many people believed in your beat, your musicality, your rhythm your soul. You connected different people from so many parts of the world into one entity, You, are the best there is, no, you are a God. No other can take your place, not Rain, not Usher, not Se7en, nor Justin Timberlake no one.

Michael Jackson, you will always be the King of Pop. And I will try my very best to not think of how you died, but how you lived.

Live on through your music forever MJ, we love you.

I'll probably record something fun as a tribute to you Michael.

Rest in peace from Malaysia.

~Sam

Sometimes love comes around

And it knocks you down. . .

~21st of June 2009 : 5.50pm~

Dear Diary,

Today, I write about another heartache I'm feeling. A few years ago I met Jackie on a website, had some fun, played around, we liked each other and started dating around this year's May 2009, things went really well. I heared from her friend Sadie that she deals with stress all the time because her life's really giving her a hard time, and I try to make her happy, even though my life is as stressful as hers.

She's playful around me, sexy, clever, cute, sneaky and just amazing. She being my girlfriend made me feel complete, and she told me she felt the same about me being her boyfriend. I started saving up money to try to see her in a year.

One fine day she decides to be a tease, not telling me anything at all. Well I didn't really mind, until it went on for weeks. Every time I asked her a question, she would reply a simple 'maybe..'. It started pissing me off when she kept some things important from me giving me a 'maybe' for each answer. She please herself playing with me, and each time I was hurt. Not knowing what was happening and what to do, I worried over her and lose alot of sleep.

Every fucking time she'd tell me her problems only when I pressed her about it, it's annoying like fuck. I know it stresses her and me, but what is the god damn point of me being her boyfriend if she won't even confide in me? Questioning her over and over and over again just to find out what was happening to her really pisses me off.

What made it worse was when I discovered some painful things about her, she'd tease me with those hurtful things, I felt like she had my heart in her hand and crushed it. at the same time slowly puncturing it with needles over and over. I scolded her to stop it and didn't want her to talk to me about it again because it made me feel pain and she promised me she wouldn't do it, that she would be careful around those creepy guys, that she loves me deeply, and I believed her.

Things were briefly going okay. One day we were fooled around with each other, we sent each other some very sensitive sexy pictures of each ourselves. I even put on a nice sexy show meant only for her to enjoy, to please her, because I love her and wanted to have some fun.

Fucking turns out she let her friend fucking watch me embarrass myself in front of my webcam and pretended to like what I was doing. Jackie even fucking copied my secret sexy photos and gave them to that same friend. I was devastated, I wanted to scream at her or just fucking kill myself right there right then.

I managed control myself and barely to brush it off for our sake and even became friends with her friend, even until now I think Jackie was really stupid for doing that to me. I would never share sexy photos of her with even my most closest buddy, thats fucking offensive. Fucking hell I want those photos of me erased... they aren't special anymore and I feel drained and humiliated.

She promised me that she would never ever hide things like that from me again, and while still in love, I believed Jackie.

Today was the last straw. She told me she found a new job and didn't tell me what it was, she was hiding something from me again. By now she should've known that telling me bits of things and keeping the rest of the story really pisses me off like hell and makes me worry over her for nothing.

Really I care too much. I can't take her stupid teasing anymore anymore and want her to tell me things straight to my face. She thought I wasn't serious when I told her I'd stop talking to her for a month if she didn't tell me, but I blocked her and sent her an email that I was dumping her for hiding things from me.

Trust is needed in a relationship, and she didn't trust me at all, doesn't believe what I say. Well whatever it's over. Today in dance class, I was so sad, hurt and upset that I just didn't have any dance in me and didn't feel like moving. Right now as I'm typing in my house, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to ear anything, I feel sick to the stomach.

Jackie doesn't know that I've been hurt so so many times in the past from my past relationships with my ex's, that it's hard for me to trust someone.

I give up on Jackie, all her promises are lies, she wants to keep things from me and block me just to avoid telling things to me, fine. But I'm tired of of it. I'm tired of relationships like these and I'm tired of being hurt. I don't want to trust anyone again, it's going to take me a very long time to recover.. years, I just know it.

I just want to be alone curled up in a ball. . . I don't want to love anyone ever again if it's this painful. I want to cry but the tears just won't flow. I don't want to eat anything, I might as well starve to death in my room.


~Sam