Sam Insanity

I have found my answer

Dear Diary,
Sunday the 19th April 2009, 7pm.

This is a very important entry to my diary.

I just came back from Thailand. Dad who I don't usually take seriously said very powerful words while we were heading back home. And it all fell in place, the puzzle pieces.

A while ago, Gosia asked me, ' So about your dream, why do you want to be known so much? '
I answered back ' I want to leave a mark on this world before I stop breathing '
She asked back ' Well this is something very important I am about to ask you.
Who are you doing this for? '
I : ' What do you mean? '
Gosia: ' Are you doing it for your own purpose or doing it only to impress people? '
I : ' Abit of both I guess '

I didn't take that question seriously. After that I found myself thinking to myself 'geebus man, I AM doing this just to impress people'.

So I am telling myself from this day onwards, hopefully not forgetting again, to be diligent only for myself and to THINK everyday. I find that not thinking for a day will without a doubt, SUCK ME INTO THE NORMAL LIFE OF.. normal people who lead boring lives...

Common sense is the key, plus thinking to myself and handling things calmly while devising a new idea and/or plan -calmly- is mandatory.

So I sat on my toilet bowl thinking to myself. ' Where does my nervousness and hesitance come from when I sing? '

If I don't have Pride and don't have any pride my singing, or dancing, totally 0% . I found that out only when I questioned why I was nervous whenever I performed. I am swayed by the unwelcome because i don't take pride in my performance, I cannot repeat that mistake.

My confidence came from my belief that I have some kind of special Potential.

Now the main screwy problem of my life is my discipline, I've been getting up late at night even though I sleep at around 11, when at day-time I feel so sleepy I can't even think. Sometimes I think my back is asleep, even after I work it at gym.

As for gym, I have to push myself much harder, I found that the main problem with the muscle growth is how I eat. I have the raging inferno in my stomach but I haven't built it strong enough it seems, that means I have to gain weight, pushing it to 80kg since I'm only 67kg now, then I'll start the dieting process.

Diary, I hope I won't stall anymore and start practicing my skills from today onwards, doing what I say instead of saying what I'll do. Maybe I should do it like Nodame Cantabile~

~Sam
11.30pm

Thailand here we come

Dear Diary,
16th of April 2009, 9.35pm-ish

Performing on saturday's out, it's time to head on to Chiangmai and enjoy the scenic beauty ;D

Diary, I feel really sleepy these days, my motivation and determinations' in the toilet bowl, I want to feel alive again, maybe this vacation is what I need, my elbow hasn't recovered.

~Sam

Twas amazin'

Dear Diary,

My old thoughts on joining extra dancing classes? I was lazy to go because I didnt think it'd help, but whew the practice was really.. exciting :D I'm going to dance class on tuesdays from now onnn

Writing a book

Dear Diary,
19th of March 2009, Thursday 1am

Lately.. or should I say sadly, I haven't been so faithful to my blog, it's been kinda dormant since I've been held captive by the ever so sad life of an adult.

But no more~ The exams are around the corner, once I score on it I'll be able to rule the world! .. or maybe just finally get into college :B

Latin Dance, hip hop, GCE O level exams are around the corner, it's time to beef up baby.

Woosh.
~Sam

How to end a relationship.

Remembering that “The Loser” doesn’t accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions — ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can’t feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they’ve probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of “I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.” If “The Loser” can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
If “The Loser” panics, you’ll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner — a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.
Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to the many negotiations that will be offered — dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as “The Loser” has contact with you they will feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
“The Loser” will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you’ll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you’ll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
Don’t try to make them understand how you feel — it won’t happen. “The Loser” is only concerned with how they feel — your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how “The Loser” is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if “The Loser” finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future”. When “The Loser” hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens — we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle — thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation — we’ve given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position — always say the same thing. “The Loser” will stop playing a machine that doesn’t pay off and quickly move to another.

Life Review

Dear Diary,
Sunday the 1st of March 2009, 1.30pm-ish

Let's see where I'm standing and where I'm going.

Well currently I just need one last credit to get into college, sadly it's on June 09 and the student intake for my selected college starts next year.

My hopes after receiving my Diploma in communications is to adapt and embrace the fields of news broadcasting, public relations and events managing, recording artist or a deejay.

I'm mostly leaning into becoming a recording artist, but I'm pretty confident in the other areas

Other must do's !

Learn

to speak Korean
Japanese
to dance Hip hop
Pop lock
to play Guitar
Latin Dance
To create own lyrics
Not fall in love easily
to stop being gullible
to always be true to myself and stop keeping everything in.

Research more into the music industry
Join or support an animal and human rights activist group

Create music baby. Fuck love, I'm not ready yet.

spontaneously randomly sexayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;'D

:3

~Sam

False Promises.

Dear Diary,
Thursday 26th of February 2009, 10.50pm-ish (sneaking on at work)

If you can't deliver a promise, don't make a false promise. It feels so disappointing and then you say, I forgot. How could you make up for all the anticipation built up for days, my trust and all the time I put myself into believing in you, it's hell. Don't let me down, I plead.

Promises I make to myself, it's all real, but it turns into a false promise whenever I forget all about it or procrastinate about it. Either way all I have is myself to blame, there are no excuses. How can I aim to be the best if I can't even learn to love and take care of myself. I'm about to hit 20, it's the beginning to adulthood and my profession will depend on how I've performed in the past.

I may be down with the 'blues' right now, but I can't waste my time any longer, I've been clowning around for too long. Wasted time will never come back, and 60 years is all that I have. I want my determination back, there's a fire in my heart that's about to explode and run through my veins like drug.

P.S Happy birthday Ken

~Sam