Death, Decisions, Kill, Suicide.



I would like to remind my curious random readers that I will write whatever I want into my blog diary in this small space of the vast internet and it will never be subjected to change.

I will not entertain requests to change my material and feelings, so Shut the fuck up before asking me to take some shit out or write something more 'interesting', this is my diary, go make your own. If you don't like it, Leave.
-Sam, 6:40am

My Death

"See those tombstones?
No, I dont want to be laid to rest there.
While I'm living, I want to decide the way I die.
I want to be far far away from everyone..
I'd preserve my hair, but toss my ashes into the sea.
I'd rather not have my body eaten by maggots inside of a coffin
But instead be part of the ocean. I am different.

Wow, I made something so gross sound so beautiful "

Dear Diary,
It's fucking 6:35am in the morning,
I can't sleep because I slept at 7pm.

In the beginning it was all about fear. My greatest fear was.. the fear of the unknown.

Usually to conquer that fear, you have to find out and work around it, get accustomed to how it works and that takes alot of time. Fear nothing and plunge my hand into the darkness, otherwise I won't do it if there's a chance my hand gets chopped off, yeah that's me.

"Work, secret classes, studies, picking up a skill, it was impossible to balance it all." -quoted previous post.

The hell, it was way too easy. I'm currently having gym in the mornings, secret classes on afternoons and part-time work as a bartender at KLCC from 5pm to 11pm earning $2000 a month (half of it from tips), not to mention my other small jobs on the side for extra $ .

Once I get this shit for studies sorted out, I'll be studying in college by next week taking classes in the afternoons and gym in the evening/weekend. I have had so many people tell me 'a model's life only lasts 4 years', it seems it doesn't occur to them I should already know about having a back-up plan.

Decisions Decisions Decisions..

"When decisions are hard, fuck it.
Simple is best."

Make best of what I know and what I can do.
What I can't do, I learn.
What I can't learn, I pay others to do.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

"I admit, I secretly love causing hurt."

Hmm.. I notice I have the same personality found in serial killers.

What would happen if I kept working at that office?
What would happen if I really did pick up that knife that day?
What would happen if those malay punks at military actually punched me in the face?

If there's one thing I would not want anyone to see, it would be me in berserk mode wielding a knife brutally slashing a very unlucky guy and his face mutilated beyond recognition.

Then again, it's not like I'll point a knife at the innocent, if I happen to kill it would be with reason, it would be for self-defence, it would be because I was forced to put someone out of their misery, or it would be because of some idiot who tried to mess with me or someone I care about.

Stress. Being provoked. Betrayal. Jealousy. Lust. Desire. Pain. Revenge. These are all the traits that people have in them, that can be seen easily in me. There will be one day I wont be able to contain that rage, and all hell on earth would break loose. I do believe that one day I won't be able to hold back, I hope that day will never come. I hope I would jump off the bridge before I do so.

I confess when I'm fucking angry, I actually enjoy hurting someone. It's part of my sadistic nature. I havent done it in a long while. I am human after all.

Next to you on a bus,
I could be a serial killer, you never know.

~Sam Insanity Sunshine

The Future.

"Suddenly, I understood the tormenting thoughts of millions all around the world.
The suicidal, the depressed, the lonely, the ones who have given up on living and hope."

Dear Diary,
Today is Tuesday
the 16th of March 2010,
1100 hours and I'm blogging at gym.

The fear of the future. These past few days I had been having a storm of negative thoughts over my head and had been convinced that I would not succeed in life. Work, deejay classes, studies, picking up a skill, it was impossible to balance it all.

But I eventually realised you shouldn't think about the future..
Because no one knows what's ahead. Chances come by, just be prepared when they do.
If I keep thinking about the future, I would surely fail at life.

Alone, I crawled back up and stand once again. Thinking and worrying about the future is just pointless, the present is the most important time to learn, the past is to tell you who you are and to push you the furthest you have ever gone.

I have to push myself harder, where I came from, the past motivates me. And as long as I have a goal, I can make it. Confidence. Determination. Desire. Frustration. Life.

I forgot my iPod and towel at home again, dammit.



"Listen. Listen to what I am about to tell you. The Story of my life.
Forced to follow someone else's footsteps through the longest passage of time,
I didn't have the courage to say no. Until now"

Dear Diary,
Today is Tuesday
the 9th of March 2010,
1300 hours and I'm about to head out on a mission.

Age of 2, I remember clearly how I got this huge scar on my left arm and almost bled to death, I could've died that day but I didn't, I lived in a tall green apartment closeby to Bandar Seri Bagawan, where the river was brown and polluted, I saw a crab clinging ontop of a rice pack once!

Age of 5, I remember going to government schools in Brunei, transferring to many many schools, taking tuition, also attempting to bribe my tutor with money not to give me homework, haha (: On and off I still remember visiting Jerudong Park, which is closed I think. I also remember a small bug jumped somewhere close to my forehead but I couldn't feel it with my fingers so I used scissors and cut my eyebrows off, haha. We were always enjoying spending time with our dear Aunt Shirley and Uncle Keong.

Age of 8, I remember my first memory of Malaysia, we were approaching a tollgate, must've been Kesas. I remember living in 202DC for the longest time. I remember enrolling into primary school at Sayfol, people I could recall during this time was John, Alqudri, Nijel, Ashwin, that fucker Siew Meng, Yew Ren, Coleen Yong, Jamie, Eugene, Raj, Rek Sekine and Siddharth. We were all kids, I used to be the nerdy one, haha.

Age of 12, between the previous ages, I can barely recall anything at all during this age the time gaps in between, I guess I was monkeying around. I don't remember when but I 'think' we moved back to Brunei for a short while or something and moved then back to Malaysia.

Age of 14, as far as I can remember throughout my nostalgic memories, I was probably the nerdiest and dorkiest person in school, wondering what this life had to offer. I remember sitting by the basketball court, singing a song to myself and feeling the world around me.

Age of 16, I was a Gaiaonline addict, as well as a gamer, O2Jam, Cabal, Runescape, Stepmania, Gunbound? I played everything. I didn't have a life back then, at the same time I thought bad of education, everything was carefree, that was back then. In the spurt of the moment I managed to convince my school's Principal and vice-principal to drop 6 out of 9 subjects (including Math, wow!) and I ended up going to school only twice a week. I scored 2 credits, and as fate had it I needed 1 more (minimum 3 credits) to enrol into college..hah. I still didn't know what I wanted.

Age of 19, by this time I had wasted a year simply doing GCE A' Levels, later my dad talked me into working with him, I wasted another 3 years feeling like shit, wondering about life, I hated the job more than anything, I hated travelling up and down doing shitty office errand boy jobs, everything felt fake and fabricated, I wanted to get a real job from outside. I was convinced by my parents that I had no qualifications to, I couldn't say no. Everyday going crazy in the car, wondering what I could do with my oriental looks, or if they were worth anything at all.

Age of 19 (about to hit 20), by sheer luck, destiny and my mom's nagging, I was discovered by Amber Chia at Ford Models Malaysia and topped the top 10 male finalist, made so many new friends. Met babyuko and became best friends, got into photoshoots and people are really noticing me wherever I go.

I can't express just how glad I am to have gone into Ford Models (though I didn't secure the top 7), my life started when I turned 20. Being forced to do something and to do something of your own will are two completely different things.

But I admit, to be honest, I've really regretted wasting so much time while I was younger. If only I knew what I wanted at that ripe age. The good thing about working at dad's office is that it taught me 'some' lessons and built character. The bad thing is I'm fucking 20 right now!!

Today I am 20, people around the world have achieved something by the time they hit my age, I would even have finished my degree by now, but I'm just stuck here doing nothing. In 5 years time when I'm 25 that's the age to freaking get married.

People everywhere just keep telling me I am young, there's still time, but to me, I am already late in life, very late and I don't want to waste any more time.

I would pick Fame over Money, atleast in that way, I'll be remembered before I grow old enough. Sure I've regretted, but there's no way in hell I can turn back the time now. I had to use my heart or my smart, thinking so damn long whether to further my education, or to follow my dreams, but I have finally decided.

I am going to follow my dreams, I will Hesitate no more.

I only get to live once.


Thoughts. part I

Dear Diary,
Today is Sunday
the 7th of March 2010,
1500 hours and I 'm about to head to gym.

Apparently I have a tiny fanbase of regular readers o_o
Oh well~ I don't bother much with people reading my personal entries ~3~


  • Him : "Don't be a pussy, take drugs." Me : "You're a pussy, taking drugs." You don't phase me with your cheap shots at getting high and escapism, I've got more balls than anyone to face this harsh reality. Dumbass.

  • Fuck, I don't even feel 20 dammit.

  • Don't say I didnt tell you so, I told you so

  • I turned 20 and I feel like I'm dying ._. 30 years left to go

  • Not to forget, no matter how better they are than me at modeling, they dont have the balls the come up on stage and DANCE :p

  • When there is love, there is jealousy.

  • Women are the most beautiful things ever made on earth, who agrees?

  • Why? Why should I hire you when I could hire the next person in line? What makes you so different from the others?

  • There's not much time left

  • There's this annoying assumption around guy models, people think I'm pimped with girls or something.. haha

  • I told you I just don't care.

  • I hate girls who wait for guys to invite them out, girls will never ask a guy out to eat or for a movie, poor guys out there.


Dear Diary.

Courage -> Determination -> Momentum -> Taking Control

That's all I need.


List of Dreams

note: List is not according to eagerness or desire to fulfill and has been randomly shuffled however being chosen to be listed, each and every one of them shall be world class with endless effort, push, and determination, in short, my vocations.

"A dream is just a dream.
A goal
is a dream with a plan and a deadline"

Dear Diary,
Today is Saturday
the 6th of March 2010,
I'm writing out the future I favour
1200 hours and it feels like I just woke up.

DJ tops the list, my love for music drives me. I may be enrolling into DJ school soon as soon as my decision is solid.
Cook (hobby)
Dancer (hobby, need someone to whip my ass)
To be some random madman tv personality naturally entertaining and attracting watchers all around the globe! TV Presenter fused with acting?
Brand Owner (far away dream)
Recording artist/producer (faraway dream of Neverland)
Designer (still too far!)
Comedian (big maybe)
Model (I don't see myself too big, I'd rather be a dj first then model)
Blogger (not that I'm not)
Cosplayer (hobby)
Emcee (maybe, need to muster up my confidence)
Traveller (hobby)
Actor (yeah right, I see that in my late 20s)
To have a nice body (I need someone to really whip my ass into shape.)
Website owner (facebook isn't a dream)
Getting some sort of certified education background

List of Nightmares

Growing old tops the list. (I feel like an uncle, being called '20'. OH GOD, I'M DYING *shiver*)
Runway Fashion (I'm okay with doing tinytinytinytinytinytinytiny small jobs, notice the tiny's?)
Office boy *shivers*
Cleaner (the thought of it is horrifying) *shiver*
Couch potato
Hair stylist
Lapdog of some rich arrogant fucker. *shiver* Then again, I could make her think I'm her lapdog but in reality she is my lapdog! *evil laughs*
Being indifferent with all the money-minded buffoons walking around Tokyo and in the world with no goals in life, I like to be opposingly different.

Nevertheless, 2010 will be the year to accomplish something.

This could be fun. (;

~Sam Insanity Sunshine