Project Abs. Part 1

Dear Diary, "My attempts to getting abs have always been sidelined, unfocused and a partial desire, which equally has frustrated me more than ever."

Right no shit. Starting 28th of Dec 09. Abs by 1st April 2010. Go Go Go

"Day 01 of 96 BURNING TO GO TO GYM"

"Day 2/96 . sleep now gym later.

Day 2 continued. Controlling the urges for fried chicken and ice cream."

"Day 3/96, it's morning and I'm eating oatmeal without sweetmilk or sugar. Yuck, but it's all for the abs.

Day 03 of 96 continued : That bowl of oatmeal was the slimiest and worst pile of crud I have ever devoured. Changing clothes, going to gym in 20 minutes."


Diary of Love. Part I

Dear Diary.. "It's been forever since I've had a crush on anyone. I wish share with you now, my secret."

Entry 1

" The moment I saw you, I fell in love. With your beauty, your smile. But.. love takes time to grow, you need time, to get to know me. But I don't have that time.. or the chance to be near you. So Pinky, I love you. But I won't chase after you anymore.. :) -Sam < / 3 " Dec 16 2009

Thoughts in my head:

"I will love you, silently. Watching over you forever, from afar."
Dec 17 2009

Entry 2

"Control my emotions. Limit myself from wrongdoing. I am a sincere good boy :) and no i will NEVER kiss pinky on the lips without her approval and/or consent.. i might get bitten :x meow." Dec 21 2009

Thoughts in my head:

"Everyone.. I know you're eager for us to get together, but don't push her around or ontop of me, give her some space. I care for her feelings. At the same time, I thank you, I would never have kissed her cheeks."
Dec 21 2009

Entry 3

"I decided before, to let go of you so you'll be safe. But everyone brought us close, they're still cheering me on.. I confess, the flame in my heart has lit up again. A part of me, wishes to hold you.. But.. I know you need time. I am still fighting for you. ~Sam"
2 seconds ago.. Dec 22 2009


the Best day of my life

happy birthdayyyy

Dear Diary, date is 18th+19th togehtr since It's 3.40am and I just got back from Zouk hahaa....

Amber happi birthdayy ;]]]]

My face is red is I type, today was Fucking, awesome.

Dance like there's no tommorow hahaaaaaa

i tried doing my shoulder-freeze breakdance move but fell on fuckin'; table and spilled the beer

fuckin' high mnan, but nowhere near drunk.. or as drunk as kitt :PPP bla\rghh SHHH

Something just happened that'll change my life forever and i mean FOREVER

It's all I wanted, it's just what I needed

I'm soo glad to have met you guys, I love my mom cuz without her I would never have met you all

night's still young.. party on ;))

omg i kissed pinky .... 's..... cheek, HA

zzzzzzzzzzzz...... those guys should stop forcing us on each other....................

~Sam loves you allllllllllllllllllllllll -thud, falls on bed-

*10 million fireflies.. i can't believe my eyes ( > *3*)> <(~_~ < )*

I'm suffering from depression.

Dear Diary, I am about to tell you a sad story of the life I'm living while trying my best to contain my anger,

it's 7.40pm and today is Wednesday the 2nd of December 09, I just got back from work.

Diary, I have never been honest with anyone these many years, sometimes this side of me just appears once in a blue moon and people ask me why I'm so quiet, I notice, that they've noticed a sudden change in the air around me, a violent and silent man in deep thought.

But I've kept it locked away, nobody knows, and even if I trusted someone so much to tell him or her about it, who would believe me?

I look happy on the outside, carefree, fun-loving and I act like an asshole whenever I want not giving a damn about what others say, but what would happen if that was totally opposite? What happens when I'm alone, all by myself. Right, like anyone would believe me or take me serious, maybe mum, but it'd worsen my anger since her worrying and nagging pisses me off the cliff.

Most people would know me as a caring good friend, a listener when you have problems, a fun-loving hyperactive person who doesn't give a damn about what others say behind my back or in my face. But, I have been depressed, since the day I started working at that monster's office throughout my teenage years, filing papers, fetching documents here and there, shaking hands with people I don't know and don't want to know, but above all, I've been living under this monster's roof since the day I was born.

It starts out this way, my old man, is a very, very backwards, old-fashioned and aggressive person who would probably dare to point a gun at the pope of the vatican city without giving a shit. I myself, 'think' I have inherited the exact same bad temper, so bad that when it reaches it's epiphany, this 'rage' mode comes out and I just feel like killing someone, cursing and wishing people to death under my breath, at times I just shout and scream into the sky when nobody's around. Heh, Diary, I sound just like him.

Working at that office, is so bad that I'd rather Die, literally. It's easily the most gloomy environment I've worked in with caveman-like requirements postman jobs delivering shit here and there, I've learned things there, but they're not teaching me the most important things I have to fucking know, and I'm getting fucked up through the phone by my old man as a result.

That gives me stress, which contributes even more to my short-term memory loss, it pisses me off so much I want to either fucking bash up his BMW and stab a knife through him or slash my hand off, bleed to death. The pressure makes me think things. Think about how easy it would be to just.. let it all go, and die. That ass doesn't give a shit or care about how he's making me feel. He's a workaholic after all.

But Diary, I'm not stupid like most people out there. I know I only get to live once, and I have a mission to complete, dreams to share with the world, I want my voice to be heard among the billions people. I'm bearing with all this dumb fucking workload just until next year, and I really hope, I'll be able to do what I want with my life. This man from hell standing in my way will not stop me from reaching for my dreams, I will surpass him and impress him.

For now, I'll calm myself down and be patient.


Me? A supermodel?? Part II

"Me and my girl Amber Chia :p
google her. "

~13th of November 2009 : 10.30pm~

Dear Diary,

It's the 11th happy anniversary for our 11th minute Amber and I have been together. Joking. Amber's such a sweet person with a very open mind, funny I was sleeping and she sat right next to me and we talked for quite a while.

(You should probably google Amber Chia by now if you don't know her, AND read the older 2 posts if you havent.)

Diary, it was a really new field I was entering, I had no idea what modelling could be like until today.

"7:10, walked over to..."

"Diva Production, it was a really neat place"

"Left side were hair stylists, right side were make-up artists."

"Met cute Greenie and Maggie today"

"My Banana gang, Heidesh, Tims, Edwin and Agent no.2"

"Other hopeful male models,
80% of us have never modelled before."

"Before: Sad me"

"After: woot funky new Hair styled"

"Best shot of the day :) That's Greenie preparing the makeup"

"After: I really liked the makeup Greenie gave me,
I've always wanted flawless skin so this is the closest I'll get."

"She even shaded my cheekbones :D "

"Briefing before heading out to the profile photoshoot"

"Back at the Catwalk, Amber's sisters and
her Hong Kong manageress dropped by"

"Getting ready for Profile photos.. whatever that is"

"Profile photo session in action"

"It's Greenie and Maggie again, so small and cute. :p "

Bloody phone ran out of juice, we went to the rooftop and learned some topless catwalk.. yes, that means I took my shirt off along with the rest of the 19 models. Topless photoshoot was at 7.30pm so I went back home for a nice shower, got sunburned doing topless catwalk :/

"Oh baby, they gave me the brand I'm annoyed at most,

"Came back to the photoshoots"

"Well, thanks to Mr. Azrul's creativity,
one person took about 15 minutes to complete a photoshoot
and I was there from 7.30 till 10pm just waiting"

I've escaped elimination once again and, now I'm in the top 20 after 10 more contestants were sent home. I was shocked that tommorow (Saturday) 10 more contestants would be eliminated and it really put me in a pinch.

I feel abit angry and regretful on this night I went home, because I knew I could have done so much better, and it could very well cost me a win to the next top 10 male models tommorow. I hope I'll make it in but I wouldn't put too much hopes, people who do that get devastated so I might as well expect to lose.

I know they've gave me great compliments on my rare oriental eyes and unique features/looks but it isn't enough, I am unsatisfied, if I could I would turn back the time and redo that photoshooting session. I could have done so so so so much better if I put in my own spice and more effort. I'll need all the luck in the world for this next elimination on Saturday morning.

"Oh well, 2010 is closing in. Time to enjoy 2009 while I can."


Ford Supermodels of the World Malaysia 2009: A participant's insight.

"I..made it?"

Round 1

"Charmed by my unique looks broad shoulders rare oriental eyes nice pouty lips and strong personality, plus the slippers I was wearing,
(who on earth wears slippers to a competition?)
I gave them a lasting impression.
All 4 judges gave 4 yes votes for round 1."

1)Azrul Kevin, 2)Gillian Hung, 3)Amber Chia, 4)I have no idea.

Round 2

"There were like, 240-ish pretty people there"

"Greatest rival, 7 foot tall pretty boy!"

During Round 2

"Oh god I haven't stood still for so long since National Service"

"Trying my best.. not to laugh,
It's hard to not giggle when I'm taking photos this way"

End of round 2

"I was the 3rd dude called and I made it in,
the rest of the 31 guys had to stand and wait.. haha.
7 more dudes were eliminated. I was calm and confident.
Funny the others were so paranoid in front of them."

"Sitting among the girls since I was picked early
after standing 15minutes, other guys were done after half an hour LOL"

Now it's their turn to stand

"Since they had to wait for the guys to finish,
it musta been a loooong day.
See that Green shirted girl?
yeah that was me standing there earlier"

"Adios, girls."

Back at home

"First time ever with 0% model experience,
I am in the top 30 men picked out of 200+
Pretty awesome I'd say."

I wonder..
"Just how far I can go.

Anyone got modelling tips?"



Me? A supermodel??

"I sent this desktop photo made weeks ago,
and I got picked."

~5th of November 2009 : 7.40pm~

Dear Diary,

My ass.

I sent in a half-ass application to Ford's Supermodel and check out what I weeded outta my inbox.

Dear Contestant


You have been shortlisted for the Ford Models’ Supermodel of the World Malaysia 2009 audition
this coming Saturday and Sunday.

Detail of the auditions as follows:
Date : 7th & 8th November 2009
Time : 10am to 7pm
Venue : Jackie Chan's Cafe (2nd Floor, Lot 10 Shopping Centre, 50, Jalan Sultan Ismail, 50250 Kuala Lumpur)

You are required to be present by 9am & bring along your Identity Card for registration purposes.
Dress sexy, dress smart! Your a MODEL and have gorgeous figure so show it off... but NO swim suits pls!
See you there & good luck!

Miki Chin
Admin Manager
Amber Creations Sdn Bhd

Well, it wouldn't hurt to go. But I still have doubts over the final decision. Let's see what happens this Saturday shall we?


Talking to old people. .

"You must be happy all the time,
but not happy-go-lucky.
There's a big difference."

~5th of November 2009 : 2.40am~

Dear Diary,

Working under my dad these past 3 years I have been unhappy, frustrated, physically and mentally drained, working conditions have been stressful, aggravating, annoying, boring, depressing, afflicting, agonizing, excruciating, disheartening, obstructing, gloomy and time consuming. I actually mean every single word I say, so I've gone through alot during the working period. But most importantly, it was not a waste of time at all, it was not all in vain.

I honestly think that if I were the very same person as I was 3 years ago, I would have ended up as a college-drop out failure in life. I don't want to be a failure. I have dreams, big big dreams, and I am never going to end up like those homeless people on the streets, or those bloody sons who inherit restaurants from their fathers.

Next year I'll be taking a test and am very hopeful to get into college. It's all or nothing, sink or swim. If I don't get in, it'll mean another damn year working at the office again, which I would rather fucking strangle myself than go through again. It'll mean me earning a degree at around 25 or 26, that's the freaking age people get married around.

Few days ago I had to fetch some old dude to the bank (part of my job) and we had some small talk in my car. I asked him for some advice in life and of course he had an abundant for me.

At your age, don't think about love.
You have to focus on stabilizing your money, then when you're ready to raise a family, you're ready.
You must be happy all the time while you're living, but not happy-go-lucky. If you're happy-go-lucky then you're carefree, and you will never succeed in life.
If you're happy, stay happy, but don't forget to be responsible.

Lesson learned? When I was about 14 or 16ish, I was happy-go-lucky while at school. Unmotivated, goalless and ignorant, I went about my own way thinking 'I'd rather work now than study to earn more money.' That was probably the biggest mistake I've made (so far) in my life. Now I have the heart to really study. I'm going to ace that damn test and get into college, maybe one day I'll follow 'his' road. All this pain and hardship will finally start the way I want it.


My first condom.

"Sometimes I wonder if I will remain a virgin forever,
the very thought of it scares me."

~5th of October 2009 : 1.30am~

Dear Diary,

One fine day.. I went to Guardian Pharmacy to buy anti-body zit shampoo refills.

Then looking around the pharmacy, I stared at a durex pleasure-max and remembered all the values instilled in me through education that I should use a fucking condom before I fuck. So I took it. It's not hard or complicating, it's just a normal consumer and retailer thing.

(I do admit though, this may serve as a tutorial to virgin guys out there.)

As I approached the receptionist..

I started having thoughts to the extremity to the point where I was actually planning to steal the condom pack.

But then I manned myself up and knew, that this was something every man had to do, even if it was the first step.

After all, how could you bear knowing you stuck something you stole into someone?

As the receptionist scanned the condom's barcode . . .

I did forget to check the price, and god it was hella expensive at $24 or something seeing how China distributes free condoms in front of their hotels, then again it's Durex.

Oh I actually caught the receptionist, she's a nice aunt who gave me a health magazine for free that some other customer bought and forgot to bring with her.

Durex pleasuremax & free magazine, shampoo too

Holy fucking cibai!

  • No you will not be asked to identify your age
  • No the receptionist will not give you a perverted or a disgusted look
  • Neither should you
  • Price of good condom packs're around $30
  • Yes I am a pure virgin, and a gentleman at that.

Random: Woooot go Obama


Face them head on.

"It was a long time ago..
Since when did I start to care?
I feel enlightened,
I feel free,
I feel the way I had always been.
A child at heart, never growing up"

~8th of September 2009 : 10.30am~

Dear Diary,

Diary, it's taken some time for me to think, only now I don't have to.

Dreaming is easy, Reality is bitter. Dad's said some words that make alot of sense yesterday, I feel like I've been liberated and the underlying subconscious stress has just vanished.

It's not that I can really relate to dad or anything, I don't even like listening to him. But in my thoughts I thank him for sharing his experience. What I thought I knew, I didn't know, and now I know, I know what I think.

I always wanted to feel as free and as passionate as MJ whenever he got on that stage, climb to the top, but I asked myself how? I look at myself at the mirror and keep thinking to myself, 'Am I tall enough?', 'How do I get there?', 'When do I get there?', all I did was think.. when I should've been dancing!!???

Often I believe there is a problem, when there isn't.
Issues I believed that held me back, turned out to be paranoia.
Self-critical, self-degrading.. all I did was magnify a problem that wasn't even there.

I will not be fooled, I will not be tricked again.
I haven't felt my best in a long while, I feel like I'm 13 again and I can reach it now.

When challenges arise, I realize,
I don't really need to think about it.

Thinking about makes it more difficult, seem more complicated, it lets it into my head, that's why I sucked. Stress is created, then short-term memory loss appears again.

I just have to think differently; simply; emptily.
What people think, what they have to say, it doesn't matter. I love what I love, I speak what I speak, I do what I do, I feel what I want to feel, and I live how I want to live.

So face them head on with my range of ability, clear away all the rubbish accumulating in my head and finally be free of 'issues' I once thought existed.

Dad's story about DonBanShinki being scammed by their manager, being his puppet really made alot of sense, it wasn't one of his old-fashioned lectures that I would've turned a deaf ear to and let the words pass through my other ear, it was modern. It was something I understood.

I will redeem my determination.
Keep looking ahead, I will work hard, practice, polish, perfect it.

Now for some dream goals..
  • Six packed abs, well built arms, 4 inches of chest, gym everyday
  • Blog more often, wipe procrastination away
  • Run run run, run everyday, I need to lose some jiggly and build rock hard muscles.
  • Dance dance dance, keep on moving, dance to the beat, innovate, dance everyday, for you MJ.
  • Keep things simple and clear, overthinking will bring me down
  • Get into Taylor's, start on Geography and History o' levels and do it on Jan, aim for Public Relations. I need that damn advertising group.



"Many say I have the ultimate asian eyes.
I don't believe them,
But I don't doubt them either."

~25th of August 2009 : 10.30pm~
Dear Diary,

I've been neglecting you, diary, for quite a while now. Seeing last I posted on the 17th of July 09 after that refreshing trip, I'm such a bum. I think I joined dance class around October 08, now I'm like, really good at it. Sadly I'm not committed enough to practice it everyday, same with guitar, I'm too occupied (in my head).

Recently I've taken an interest to top of the line games, finished Crysis, Fall Out 3, Street Fighter 4, Call of Duty 4 etc. And they're gooooood.. As a kid I was always thinking of how to stay on the computer and earn money at the same time. Figures I'd just have to open up a cyber cafe and manage it.

I've landed a modeling job in November, wonder how it'll turn out. As for now I have to plan a buttload of things stuck on my head like superglue. I am thinking of my true potential as a human being, but it always leads to the same thing; I have to go out into the world and see for myself. 'Determination, Potential.'