Snitches in the family

"I feel betrayed and backstabbed."

It's happened three times already, mary, the pain i feel as i write online, what the fuck is on your mind when you tell everyone about what i write on my blog?

I bet it's fucking fong telling whatever I post online to ma. every fucking time its the same, even that time where you just said it out loud in the car

If you're reading this, use your FUCKING brains and think of the consequences dumb ass. some things aren't meant to be said around the house you know? what you read you keep it to yourself

a fucking happy day has turned miserable. what, you think i'm happy now?

why am i in trouble now? how do you think i can trust you with stuff? you're my fucking brother dammit. get smart or something, geez.

In return for writing about my personal life, I finally caught the sneaky rat.


My Virginity.

"Now I can stop telling people I'll end up as
the 40 year old virgin. Eheh."

Dear Diary,
Today is Wednesday
the 24th of February 2010,
0200 hours and I just woke up next to her.
2 days after my birthday, I have lost my virginity.

I have finally lost it. It was a bit boring, but it was good, real good in the sense I'm free from staying quiet on 'how old were you when you lost it' questions. I'll keep this post a short one, today is just a day to remember. I lost it in a hot fling at 20. :D Happy face

No I wont go into details, this is my diary! I am writing for myself not you random viewers.



"Another part of my brain has been activated."

Dear Diary,
Still Monday the 22nd of February 2010

I won't be a fool. I won't be a follower. Question them Question them Question them. That's how reputation is earned, that's how big bosses do it, that's how respect is commanded.


I'm never used that word, probably Ever. Only What, not Why. It's kinda stupid really, only after that small talk with big bro it all clicked. Why couldn't I realise these things much sooner, I don't know, but I'm just going to have more class, be smarter and if people push me around, I beat the fuck outta them.. with words. This is probably how Guan Yu won his battles, he did not take rationalisation, he took facts and made decisions.

Why? Why should I hire you when I could hire the next person in line? What makes you so different from the others?

Big Boss here I come.




Dear Diary,
Today is Monday
the 22nd of February 2010,
0100 hours and I'm in my old room.
It's my birthday, I am officially 20 today onwards.

I have a plethora of issues:-

  1. Hair
  2. Manager Contract
  3. Modeling
  4. Studies
  5. Work
  6. Moving


As innocent as hair seems, I find myself forced to mindfuck over what the hell I'm going to do with the black roots growing out in contrast to my blonde hair. I look like a freakin' lala whore. My initial thought was to


all my hair off and go bald. Mom rejected it outright, she didn't want a monk living in the house.
I'm leaning towards colouring the roots now, I kinda like my blonde but the black is really making it messy. But then another question pops up, should I


it another colour? Let's see.. what options do I like. Crimson red, Hazelnut brown, White, Black. (No Green, Blue, Orange, Rainbow). But then again, I might just keep the blonde.

unsolved, moving on.

Manager Contract

Diary, these 4 bishes are mindfucking my earhole to the point when someone asks me about
any of the above I would ask them to shut the fark upp.

  • I shall.. meet up and discuss the contract with the parties involved, this Thursday.
  • If talks break down and ends fail to meet, I will go around college campuses, and do a survey to see which one is the best for me.
  • Temporarily work until this coming March, my O' Level results should arrive by then.
  • While studying I will take small jobs and model on the side.

Negotiations on the contract have succeeded, handshakes are exchanged and I will be under them for a whole year. If it goes damn damn damn well, I will continue another year, if I think I've had enough, I shall finally study.


And now for the final battle..


This is mindfuck to the point where I literally shit bricks.

Being outside, feels good. The only bad things are rent, and location. Maybe that big ass rat that sneaks around behind the couch I sleep on every night. I don't feel like resting in that place, which may be a good thing and a bad thing. There are also no homely responsibilities.

Being in my old home pampers me with everything from water/electric to wifi, but it's bad. To the point I stay in my room and don't want to get up. The airconditioning feels so good, which is also the reason why I'm late for work on some occasions. I also don't like my parents busting into my room to ask me to go here and there. WIFI, is addictive.

Some people say I'm nuts to sleep at 11pm, that it's too damn early. Well let me tell you this, your sleeping time has gone from 8pm as a child, to 3am in the wee hours and you get up for school 3 hours later. Who is the fucked up person me or you? I need atleast 8 hours of sleep or the next morning I'll be braindead.

Back to point, I don't know if I should move back to my old home. It was sudden I moved out, I'm paying RM150 a month for a place to sleep with no wifi and only fans to keep me cool at night.

Being outside brings out my inner peace and helps me with my creativity although it's physically hot. Free of responsibilities, I have my own road to walk. Location is shitty far from the gym.

Being back at home stresses me out and this cold comfy room numbs me, it is physically soothing but not internally. Parents dictate terms, responsibilities. Gym is nearby.

Mindfuck, still unsolved.




I won!!!!!! I won those Fedde Le Grand tickets bishes!!!!!!! On the 19th February 2010 I'm gonna party like shitttttt at Ministry of Sound, hell yeah.


Fedde Le Grand at MOS - Euphoria

'Let me think about it badabadabada bomp. bomp. bomp. bomp. Let me think about it'

Dear Diary,

I need to bloody be at Fedde le Grand's performance, he'll be in Malaysia for the first freaking time and he'll feel like shit if there's no crazy people like me cheering him on. He's one of the few DJ's of the world I look up and funk to.

I've sent contest entries to TimeOut, Clubbing 9, JuiceOnline, FlyFM's sms contest and even BLOGGED ABOUT IT ON MY PERSONAL DIARY!! I swear if I don't win the tickets I'm gonna step on an ant. *pissed*

It's the only event I'm looking forward to aside from my birthday (22nd Feb 2010). I've given reasons for not coming to club at the usual clubs, but I'll chop my toes off if I miss this one.

Make some noise and put your hands up in the air, for Fedde Le Grand at the Ministry of Sound - Euphoria, on the 19th of February.

I am waiting for you.


'Let me think about it badabadabada bomp. bomp. bomp. bomp. Let me think about it'

Running away from home. Part 2

"I am out now, out of my cocoon."

Dear Diary,
it's Wednesday
the 10th of February 2010,
1pm in the afternoon and I'm temporarily back in my old home.

This whole week was nothing but DRAMA.


The day after I ran away

Step by step, walking my own road, slowly, I'm learning.
There must be progress everyday.

The new room is great. I pay RM150 a month, have 2 fans and a window and have my own wardrobe.

The fat lady and I have fun chasing after and setting up traps for the alpha-rat. It's smarter than the average rat and twice as big. Won't fall for the unusual rat traps, I even put yummy BBQ chicken in there for 2 whole nights and not a bite!!

Mom still visits me day to day. It feels the same, like in that very room. How she knocks on my door in the evenings and comes to sit and talk with me. The only difference is, there is no aircond, there is no internet, there is no swimming pool and I'm free of responsibilities.

Let's see.. I have an iPod, laptop, handphone, car, $700 glasses. What more could I want? .. maybe that GPS.. and Kawasaki Ninja.... shh.

I pay for what I eat and where I live, on my own. It feels better than before.

I used to think people who were hell-bent on saving money were silly, now I myself feel silly.

I have been writing down how much I spend daily,
it didn't occur to me I'd be spending RM240 a month just by spending RM8 a day.

Independence. I don't feel afraid being out there on my own, but instead my senses have heightened and I am much more aware of the things around me.

At night: Bloody fucking hell, my eyes managed to peacefully close with the fans blowing at me and suddenly, a fucking huge shredding sound started scraping at the window and my eyes were bloodshot wide open.

I was just staring hard at the window for rats wondering what the hell was out there. Of all the fruiting things, a cat popped it's head into the window. Dog barks and police sirens could be heard, what a night.


Learned two new words.

DeSaintLights and I were chilling at Damansara, as you know he is the photographer for the controversial but gorgeous photo of Baby and I on facebook. I appreciate all he's doing for me (there's a bunch of projects coming along) and all the advice he's given me, it's what I need to survive.

So I spotted an indian kid playing on the table and asked him,'Hmm wouldn't that be a nice photo to take?'. He turned back to see and said.. "FOR WHAT?! I'd rather shoot the lady cooking and sell it back to the shop!" And just like that, I learned the two most important new words in my life.

"Commercial Value."

I had to think smart.

Fetched baby and dsl to eat durian, I think we opened up 15 durians that night.


Scary experience.

Oh goddd I feel like shit, eating 15 durian pieces was NOT a good idea. My face is red and I've been drinking water like mad. My phone actually went MISSING. Made a bet and drove to baby's place without a phone, not knowing if she stayed home or went out. Went to Mist Club her to a friend's birthday and lost RM100, fuck. Cutting down drastically on clubbing.


Scary experience continued.

Saturday, went to vocal classes and spend the whole day looking for fucking phone, it was turned off too because my mom would call nonstop pissed me off. Phone was still missing, started losing hope finding it.


Another day wasted.

Did volunteer works to help provide food, oil and rice to old people early 6am in the morning till 12pm, had breakdance class from 1pm to 2pm.

Checked out a high paying singapore job interview, turned out to be smart typical singaporean-scam-dumb-malaysians scam. Fuckers wasted my time. It was so difficult without a phone.

Found my fucking phone. It was stuck between two stones right at my parking spot, probably dropped when I got in my car, ripped apart my big-pocket shorts to shreds for fucking with my me.


A dreadful coming of CNY.

I'm having thoughts of just getting away from everything, INCLUDING my mom. She actually forced me to temporarily move back in my old home to celebrate CNY.

Fucking hell it's not a joyous occasion, I don't wanna be anywhere near that man.

I got wind of something though, I heard he was heartbroken I left.

Favourtie auntie and uncle came to Malaysia, spent whole day helping them make passport.


One case closed.

Done and done. Kevin and I finally drafted up some proper points. After CNY's finished we can finally start the talks.

Before I got out to meet him dad was talking to my worker right behind my chair. It was a very dangerous feeling, we are both like two bombs waiting to explode. I wouldn't know how he would go nuts on me and vice versa, talk about awkward.

Stuff left to finish:

  • Get this 'good son' pretend over with.
  • Get the portfolio pics done so I can send it out.
  • Get the comp cards
  • Get a temporary job


"I have a grand feeling,
I'm going to be walking this
very very long road.
That's for sure."


Running away from home. Part 1

" I ran away from home.. no, from Him.

I lost alot of things
to gain my Freedom,
But it was WORTH IT."


Dear Diary, it's Friday the 5th of February 2010, 3pm in the afternoon.

From my previous post, it all started when I said 'I'm heading out for a photoshoot, I'll be back around 11pm'.

I verbally fought with my dad in his office on (2.2.10) Tuesday evening, I had been holding back for so many years but there was no more reason to anymore. On the same day, I moved out of my house.

Why I blogged so late about this?

Well.. where I'm live now, there is no internet, no aircond, only fans and a window.

It happened when I was about to leave work at 6pm to deal with some of his business, had an appointment to attend to. By that time I was already in my car getting out of the carpark. Then suddenly I got a phonecall from our accountant to come back upstairs.

I re-parked my car and went back up, I was sat down next to her and in front of my dad, despite being sick of being near him. He accused me of claiming petrol expenses with the company and I defended myself. If he was so against it why did it take him 2 fucking years to finally discuss about it.

It was definitely regarding my photoshoots. Later onwards he went to berate about my participation in Ford Models Supermodel of the World Malaysia 2009, (he had been lecturing the same thing over and over to 2 accountants present in the room for over 2 hours) and I lost it when he started badmouthing my close friend.

I was so fucking shocked at what he said, I wanted to jump at him and beat the fucking shit out of him but I held myself back. My hand was twitching, my foot was tapping furiously. He just humiliated my friend in front of the office, what a FUCKING, FUCKTARD.

He was just doing whatever he wanted, I decided to respond by shouting at him to cut the crap and make his point, and also asked him why he would want to talk about my friend that way. He actually laughed about it and I just totally lost it. I couldn't forgive what he said, in front of the accountants, in front of me. I got up.

I stomped towards the exit, opened it and slammed the fucking door shut as hard as I could behind me. Before I left, I heard him shout 'Let's see if you can earn money with your useless ass', walking out. I took one last glance behind my shoulder.

He was smiling.

I left, and started driving. Fuck off you monster.
It was the last time I would ever step into that office.


Leaving Home

02.02.10 at night, driving home with feet flat on the gas at 140km/ph, there was nothing else on my mind except the fact that I did not want to see him again. I didn't plan how long, but I just didn't want to see his ass.

I was in pain. All that emotional stress throughout the years, trauma, humiliation, everything bottled inside of my heart exploded.

My mind was racing, I decided there was only one thing to do.

Reaching home, I started packing my clothes and told my brother not to tell my mom. I just made the biggest decision in my life to run away. I didn't know where to go.

Suddenly, my mom walked in. She told me my brother didn't tell her anything, she just knew how I'd react when she heard what dad was telling her in the morning.

I love mom. She wanted me to know that she totally supported me and she already arranged a place for me to stay. With 3 luggages full of clothes and things of valuable possessions, I finally moved out of my home.

Again, I love mom, from the depths of my heart. Because of her nagging I participated in Ford Models Supermodel of the World Malaysia 2009, new doors opened for me, I made so many new friends.

If not for her, I think I would have ended up working in that office for 40 years straight, turning into an old man, full of regrets..

In contrast, I hate dad, from the depths of my heart, for keeping me locked up for so long, for treating me like some fucking illegal immigrant who just moved into the country. I know though, he loves me, people tell me and I just know.. I thank him for raising me as well-disciplined and a good person, at the same time I fucking hate him for raising me badly and showing no love.

But there was no excuse for his behaviour. It's in-human.

The only reason why I'm not bringing a case against him is because I don't want to cause my parents to divorce, I don't want to make my mom and my brothers miserable.

On the 2nd of February 2010, I gained independence.

To be continued.. (as soon as I get internet wifi connection again.)

Family, and friends, please don't worry about me.


Kicked out from home. Life of a Model?

"I ponder if I should treat this
as good thing,
or a bad thing?"

Dear Diary.. Monday the 1st of February 2010, it's 10am in the morning.

This could be one of my most important diary entries I have ever written in my life.

If you'd like to know about the fucked up news, you could just skip 'Photoshoot as at 31.01.2010' and go halfway down to read 'The Challenge'.

Photoshoot as at 31.01.2010

So it began yesterday when I woke up at 6.30 pm in the afternoon, plenty of sleep, and Baby texted me a message asking if I wanted to do a photoshoot.

I was about to flat-out say No,
  • it's too late in the evening,
  • the shoot is too far in another state (freaking KL to Damansara),
  • and I'd rather go back to sleep.
About a thousand more points I could come up with, but instead
I was abit curious, I asked who was shooting us.

A message came back that said 'professional photographer, MORISTEE studio.'
I spent a good 5 minutes looking it up on the net and I checked out their line of work.

I jumped at it as soon as I saw it. Packed my luggage with clothes and accesories within seconds and rushed out to my car at 7.10pm.

Then he had to be there.

He was outside having an evening jog. So I just mentioned 'I'm heading out for a photoshoot, I'll be back around 11pm'. Then he starts complaining about me getting nothing from this, wasting our family's money for petrol, blahblahblah. Fucking contradictor, just gave me and my bros $300 for shopping on my small bro's birthday.

I turned a deaf ear on him and left. I didn't need to hear this shit, my life had been in the fucking sewers for 3 long years serving under him, depression, daily degradation of self-worth, killing self-pride, emotional stress and misery, and things recently are just getting good and really interesting.

Took me some time, but I reached Damansara Perdana at around 8pm and had a look at Baby's photoshoot images, they were very nice, high-end fashion.

And then.. 'You, Strip'. And I got topless with pants still on (I know whats on your mind you dirty bastards ;] ) , photoshoot-photoshoot-photoshoot.

The result of one of our shoots:

"Confirmed, I have a big ass.
(Even bigger than baby's! )"

Desaintlights, Baby and I were all laughing so so hard because we put up that photo on Facebook.

Within 2 minutes, we had 12 'Likes' and 13 comments. The next 3 minutes, her notifications jumped to 50. After 10min we had bloody well over 100 comments and Likes added together.

That's just ONE of photos though, I took the Sam Fu theme, Army theme, Korean & Japanese-popstar theme. In 2 weeks time maybe 20 more photos will come from Desaintlights. Thank you Lee [:

Remember, You've seen just one.

Anyway, we went to have dinner and went back home at 1am in the morning.


The Challenge

The very next fucking morning... Dad sent the maid to get me to come down downstairs, and it was lecture allll the way for an hour's straight. So fucking what I came back at 1am instead of 11pm? EVERYONE does that, you think I'm a robot or something? I'm a human you fucking shithead.

I RESPECT my dad, I don't love him, much. But I respect him nevertheless.

He starts talking about those dumbasses Martin, KK and Jason, he's right about one thing that they're all idiots who can't make appointments and are only good at lying,

but he's classifying me in the same category? JUST BECAUSE I CAME BACK AT 1am INSTEAD OF 11pm, HOW FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD CAN YOU GET?

Whatever, he just issued me a challenge.

He has a problem not with my life, but how I handle things in life.

There's this shitty accounts on our property's rental I have yet to complete from the whole of December 2008 to the current month of January 2010 while working under his company, it's much more complicated than your average + and - , and I've been fucking busy handling other shits, plus the fact I hate doing our property rental accounts the most.

In 15 Days (deadline on the 15th of February 2010), if I can't complete that account, he is going to boot me out of the house, severe family ties with me and treat me as a dead son, and I'll look for a place of my own. Doesn't sound too bad actually, either way it's a win-win situation the way I look at it.

Complete the accounts and I still get to stay at home and show him that I'm not all-talk and that I've secured some very strong connections and potential clients to aid me in future. Proving him WRONG, further going on my own road to build a career after resigning from his company.

Or, I could severe family ties with my dad and finally gain independence, go wherever I want, do whatever I want, concentrate more on my shit and not give a damn about his shit. No more needing to hear him bitch around, or ask permission to do this and that. Sure it'll be a bitch to take care of myself, but I can get on with my own shit and finally live a real life. WONDERFUL!

The 15th of February 2010 is my deadline, aint gonna be much, but it's against my morals, my principles, my virtues, to finish things halfway.

I am going to finish it, in truth I don't need 15 days, probably just 5 days to get it done if I don't get interrupted by Ms. Tan with other works ofcourse, which has interrupted the completion of my accounts for the past 2 years.

Besides, I'd like to try just one more time to prove him wrong, and despite his consistently annoying old-fashioned stressful, manipulative, egoistical, no-nonsense ways and bitchy attitude, I would still like

to call someone my Father.

~Sam Insanity Sunshine.