Edit 03.10.12 * I'm 22 now and wrote this article when I was 19 where admittedly I was immature at the time. This article though covering Confidence; totally excludes Personality and Humor that are big turn-ons for the ladies. However if this article was any longer it'd really become too long for my readers to read.
In this beautiful earth where everything is possible, modern technology has caused the already bored-to-death men to pick up on DOTA and the latest oversized iPods that don't fit into pockets anymore, at the same time developing special social networking skills such as stalking people online. In the United States they call this a computer addict, and in Japan - the term 'hikikomori' is used.
So, you happen to be that 24-year old college geek carrying an over-sized backpack around campus who usually sits alone in the corner of the class stalking the class rep's insanely hot cheerleader girlfriend on Facebook with the Mac, and your best friend is an iPod.
Months pass by and you see a hostel across the street.. which some assholes with nice cars are supposedly renting out for college.
You notice bizarrely stunning women with fake boobs coming by and decide to use your telescope -- previously to look for UFOs -- now used to spy on them, finding out they regularly drop by which is conventionally supposed to be the other way round where men chase women.
Amidst fantasizing about seducing supermodels to play Princess Leia in your room, you realise your true calling to become an asshole and would die to know how to become irresistible to women.
You've decided to leave your sorry life behind giving up collecting miniature StarWars figurines building your own universe in the attic of your parent's house and make a drastic changes in your life such as adopting a greasy combed-back hairstyle to show off the zits swarming all over your forehead somehow since you think Lucius Malfunction from Happy Rotter is a pimp. Which is absolutely gross.
You could be one of those whiny nice guys who can't seem to figure out the conventional 'why girls go for the bad guys' theory with the history of diligently listening to your mother not to smoke/drink/do drugs and most importantly treat a girl well.
In highschool, you waste your time shying away from attention from girls. 'Maybe she likes me?' 'I think she's looking at me' 'Oh god her boobs brushed against me!' Graduating from college and coming out into the real world...
You're splashed with the cold waters of reality and struggle to find real friends and most importantly a lady, realising mom doesn't know best. You get conned by 'new friends' of all your piggy bank savings bought out by their get-rich schemes.
" Nice guys, never get the girls.. and lose out a lot in life."
Everything doesn't pan out too well and you develop this paranoia of an imagination for eventually having to settle for an arranged marriage with a farmgirl living an unhappy life in the rural areas with her grandparents raising smelly piggies.
Seeing your bleak pathetic future, you've realised your true calling to hone yourself a smooth-talking lady killer. So much so you're willing enough to give up your current life's dream of winning the first prize limited edition Batman's Dark Knight Joker mask in a lifeless tech forum.
It is not too late for losers like you to land a sexy fox.
Start by congratulating yourself for finally realising the computer is a fake world and diligently worshiping good ol' naggy mom who doesn't know best was all a mistake!
Buckle up and start compensating for all the wasted years as I teach you the 7 ways to become irresistible to women.
First of all, leave your single guy friends behind and don't take even one word of advise from them -- there's a reason for them being single.
If you think you're going to 'look cool' hanging around with the same types of people in your criteria, you'll end up in a dark spiral of girl-less life for years to come.
You seem to know what you're talking about, but I already have a back-up plan!
So you have your measly defensive claims to have already made attempts to woo a lady. Still wondering why hundreds of visits to the bar invested, you've not been able to get the fish to bite?
After months asking a hottie's best friend what the hottie likes to see in a guy, which type of guys she goes for and where she likes to go after college on Fridays and with whom; you turn up empty (don't you just love run on sentences?).
Somehow it also strangely resembles a chronic stalker-like behaviour that
she might already have heard about you from her best friend, don't you think?
Don't fret. Back to point.
(And you'll probably thank me for this.)
I'm loaded betch.
But my friend's girlfriends tell me they don't need these things, Sam!
So you thought, they're just giving face to your buddies and secretly cursing themselves to grow younger just to save themselves for mr. wealthy white knight on his trusty steed to come sweep her off her feet and gallop with her into the sunset.
Why would Cleopatra pick a Julius Caesar over a beggar?
Power, money, nice wheels, and a secured future; my dear Watson.
Bu-but, what about love stor-
Can a geek who still lives with his parents honestly afford any more time to waste?
Hate to burst your bubble, Bubble Boy. Love stories only happen in film scripts cashing out on pathetic lonesome Cinderellas living on false hope.
So, say in love stories. Why would Cleopatra pick a beggar over a Pharaoh?
That's because he's good at lying. That's how Aladdin did it -- plus he had a little help.
Why hello thar shiny object.
If you're good at lying go ahead, but it won't last you long.
I will not teach you the rest of the ways until you fulfil yourself to be worth getting noticed and stable with monetary income, you absolutely cannot land a sexy girlfriend.
Money is Power.
Teach me Sam!
You shall need 5 of the following objects to make you sexy incarnate:
- Good reputation
- Nice car
- Good grooming
- Expensive Clothes
Demanding much? Yeah, beautiful toned dream girls have this stupid thing called 'expectations' so deal with it.
I should have been born a woman...
Hit the road and start earning that cold hard money. Until then, you don't deserve a woman to even look at you, man.
#6 Forget 'hitting the club'
Women in clubs are scary.
Actually, no different than robots.
Within 2 minutes (just 2 minutes), they can establish a solid report whether you're a rich bloke or a poor shit -- just by looking at how your hair is styled, what clothes you wear, what watch you're wearing, whether your nails are trimmed, the type of shoes you're wearing, and what car you drive.
These robo-chicks can even judge you by the way you smell.
Forget all the friends you have right now who have tried to give you love advise on how to approach women. Everyone these days are usually heavily influenced by those nonsensical movies and songs about love since hiphop and rap stars always associate clubs with hot girls.
Nerds can't help nerds get the fox, and end up increasing the population of guys in a club.
They listen to what radios play and end up wearing 'blingblings' trying
to impress the ladies and fail just like this.
Hey, we're cool.
You, are famous.
Here's the situation.
So the group of geeks hit the club for the first time in an unrealistic flowery dream with hopes of getting a know a girl like how easily it shows in the movies and how hiphop music always associate clubs with the hot girls.
What the geeks assume they're getting.
Feeling confident they have each other to depend on, minutes later they end up miserably dancing with themselves the whole night.
Here we go again...
What they're actually getting.
Vowing never to club again from fear of rejection from women. (These guys usually end up telling stories of how they conquered a club overnight.)
Most girls who hit the club are gold diggers or just want to be seen. Bottom line, if you don't have moola, you can say bye-bye to that cute little nurse fetish you've been wanting someone to roleplay with you.
Such a shame.
If you want to be an asshole you have to hang around with cocky assholes who 'have it in the bag' which girls find adventurous. Girls love a good adventure.
Typical asshole. (on far right)
That's right. Assholes have reputations concerning how much they spend, who they hang out with, and how many or which women they've slept with. They want to be seen partying with the most beautiful crowd. They party, with a purpose.
I on the other hand, get paid to party.
You is awesome, Sam.
Straight to the point, don't even think about walking into the club until you have got yourself the requirements of #7.
#5 IGNORE her
Ignore her? What are you crazy? That's how I do it.
It's no use walking up to a girl and saying, hi. Then what?
You'll just be as plain and as uninteresting as an empty piece of paper, just like the dozens of other guys who've said hi.
Stop wasting your time being one of the 300 Aladdins seeking Cleopatra's attention, and become a Pharoah worth noticing instead. Fulfill the requirements of #7.
Ignore the girl. Why? Girls love to get noticed.. ALL girls. If you're just like me, you would walk past a sexy chick without making eye-contact.
Assuming you've got #7 done, after doing that, the girl will predictably be insecure and talk to another girlfriend that she's just noticed me. Either that, or she'll start staring hard at me pondering on whether I'm a big shot, gay or straight.
If you absolutely can't ignore the fox, talk to her. However, absolutely ignore her boobs.
It IS hard.. very hard.
Don't stare at her boobs....
You failed. Try again
Concentrate on complimenting on her other features like her hair, earrings, bracelet, even the colour of her eyes, and you won't be seen as a shallow guy. You'll be seen as, different. Which is what millions of ladies are looking for.
Also mainly because it is awkward for them to respond to that statement, you don't even know her. Unless she likes her lady lumps noticed, she's more likely to slap you and brand you a pervert infront of everyone.
Don't even THINK about going near a girl, not until you've satisfied the ways to attract women (shown at #7 in order to make cute, hot, sexy and beautiful dream girls like you). Until then, ignore the girls, you won't gain the girl's attention at all.
Looks matter to a certain degree.
Look in the mirror, if you're wearing oversized thick-rimmed glasses that magnify your eyes to bug-like
You'll probably never get a chick.
A lot of reasons people think the ladies don't care about looks is a big misunderstanding.
Women want a hot guy, but simply do not agree with what us guys, think are 'hot'.
For example, many of you men have emailed and asked me why girls you know are swooning over Edward from Twilight when he looks like a prancing homosexual. That's because many women find an aura of prancing homosexuality extremely hot.
Giving out the most powerful gay-vibes in the history of mankind.
(Until Justin Bieber came.)
I always wondered why women took notice of me, and it didn't take long for me to ask and get the answer:
"I thought you were gay, and I like that about you." Bingo. The answer men have been searching for, for hundreds of years.
Women like men who give out a gay vibes. Sadly, yes. I do get hit on by gays as well.
So.. start looking gay.
Most guys out there think if they have muscles, they can get laid, which is in fact true. What they don't know is, pumping them up to the size of the Hulk instantly turns the girls off.
For illustration purposes only, keep your mouths closed.
Man (B) is a jiggly walking tub of protein that grosses the shit out of everyone.
These experimental buffalos have cousins called
Super cows, which are equally veiny freaks of nature.
Now you see why most of the bulky monstrosities are single, and perhaps eventually turn gay.
So, you actually have fulfilled all of the above. You've got an athletic body going to gym for about a good 3 years now, ride a $3.2 million Lamborghini to work, shave, own a wardrobe filled with suave Gucci suits and know how to treat a girl in bed.
What you should look like after reading my blog post.
Without maintenance, all that will go away. The life of an irresistible man is highly demanding.
So you've got an athletic body? Your cravings for meat will eventually get to you. All your hard work turns into a new friend called mr. belly
So you own an expensive car? The minute you open that door and empty packs of chips and bottles come out, the lady will instantly get a bad impression of you and perhaps utter the word 'typical' reluctantly getting in your ride.
I don't care how much it costs, I am not getting in it.
So you own nice clothes and shave? Doesn't help if you leave them all over the floor. She'll start comparing you to a dog since she loves kittens, which is still one of the many mysteries of women. Once you start getting lazy to trim off the growing hairs, don't be surprised to stumble upon rejection just because she noticed some very long nose hairs peeking out of your nostrils.
" So what if you're rich, dirty bastard. "
So you know how to treat a girl in bed? Well you'll have to keep your reputation on the low, or get branded as a Playboy which is the first thing a girl would not like to see when she steps into the club.
Consequence of a bad reputation are a little ugly.
With bad maintenance over what you currently possess, you'll be half the guy every women want despite fulfilling the criteria of #7.
Lesson to be learnt? Take care of the life you wished for.
It's all about impression.
It's all about impression.
#1 Penis size
Falling in love with the idea that having an unusually long penis makes you more attractive, will absolutely disgust a girl. You wouldn't want to end up like this guy.
' Hey baby.. wanna see my ding dong? '
When they say women are complicated, it really means the bullets are useless without holding the gun. Get the drift?
Believe me, the girls actually complain about it being too long. In most cases, they prefer penises to be wider so it rubs effectively against the kitty walls in order to maximize shock and pleasure. Ladies, forgive me for my bluntness, but I'm sure you know I know what I'm talking about.
The only party keen on the length of the carrot would be homosexuals gossiping in the locker room.
Plus guys, you know how ladies love to gossip. Half the female population in your neighborhood will probably have eavesdropped on the size of your sardine can by the end of the week.
Thankfully, normal ladies who are more intelligent than the usual bimbos, actually care about more important things -- like whether you can cook.
Women find men and food equally yummy.
Rather than try to appease to the demands of women which is all I've listed up there, sometimes staying the innocent, ignorant nerd collecting miniature StarWars figurines is just better than going through all the trouble.
If your geeky bestfriend is a girl who happens to be obsessed with a cute korean-lookalike in English class who hits the gym in the evenings, and want to request me to write an article on 2 ways to become irresistible to men.. I don't really have to explain much on how girls can get any guy as long as they're good with using make-up and knowing how to be flirty.
You should warn the victim though that if he doesn't find out what she really looks like in bed the next morning, or gets married to her and finds out what his children looks like after years of secrecy, it'll be too late to go back.