"It was a long time ago..Since when did I start to care?
I feel enlightened,
I feel free,
I feel the way I had always been.
A child at heart, never growing up"
~8th of September 2009 : 10.30am~
Dear Diary,
Diary, it's taken some time for me to think, only now I don't have to.
Dreaming is easy, Reality is bitter. Dad's said some words that make alot of sense yesterday, I feel like I've been liberated and the underlying subconscious stress has just vanished.
It's not that I can really relate to dad or anything, I don't even like listening to him. But in my thoughts I thank him for sharing his experience. What I thought I knew, I didn't know, and now I know, I know what I think.
I always wanted to feel as free and as passionate as MJ whenever he got on that stage, climb to the top, but I asked myself how? I look at myself at the mirror and keep thinking to myself, 'Am I tall enough?', 'How do I get there?', 'When do I get there?', all I did was think.. when I should've been dancing!!???
Often I believe there is a problem, when there isn't.
Issues I believed that held me back, turned out to be paranoia.
Self-critical, self-degrading.. all I did was magnify a problem that wasn't even there.
I will not be fooled, I will not be tricked again.
I haven't felt my best in a long while, I feel like I'm 13 again and I can reach it now.
When challenges arise, I realize,
I don't really need to think about it.
Thinking about makes it more difficult, seem more complicated, it lets it into my head, that's why I sucked. Stress is created, then short-term memory loss appears again.
I just have to think differently; simply; emptily.
What people think, what they have to say, it doesn't matter. I love what I love, I speak what I speak, I do what I do, I feel what I want to feel, and I live how I want to live.
So face them head on with my range of ability, clear away all the rubbish accumulating in my head and finally be free of 'issues' I once thought existed.
Dad's story about DonBanShinki being scammed by their manager, being his puppet really made alot of sense, it wasn't one of his old-fashioned lectures that I would've turned a deaf ear to and let the words pass through my other ear, it was modern. It was something I understood.
I will redeem my determination.
Keep looking ahead, I will work hard, practice, polish, perfect it.
Now for some dream goals..
- Six packed abs, well built arms, 4 inches of chest, gym everyday
- Blog more often, wipe procrastination away
- Run run run, run everyday, I need to lose some jiggly and build rock hard muscles.
- Dance dance dance, keep on moving, dance to the beat, innovate, dance everyday, for you MJ.
- Keep things simple and clear, overthinking will bring me down
- Get into Taylor's, start on Geography and History o' levels and do it on Jan, aim for Public Relations. I need that damn advertising group.
~Sam
