5 signs the Internet has taken over your mind (and your life)

At the final scene of your predicament, here you are now.. a grown adult at the age of 28.


The damage has been done.

A lifeless, loser, fat ass living with your parent's support devoting all your time on a high-end PC grinding on a stupid ripoff of Warcraft, and a bit of silly Mafia Wars and Zynga Poker on facebook perhaps? I know you know what I know that we know your chair probably SMELLS LIKE ASS and MUSHROOMS.

Or


I'm trying my best not to comment on this.

But I will anyway, you're either a jobless weeder hobo and your mind is trapped a state of limbo confined within the walls of your room not knowing what's going on with your life or who cares about you anymore forcing your parents to take care of you until death wearing a bra.


Which is similar to the Creutzfeldt-Jakob illness
(a.k.a Mad Cow Disease)

So what happened?

It all started when the internet innocently crept inside your subconsciousness and started raping your mind. Mating with your brain and securing itself as an everyday part of your life.

As an internet addict myself, I hereby declare your brain a state of emergency and shall now identify

The 5 signs the Internet has taken over your mind (and your life).



1st Sign, Problem 1: Real life discussions

What. the. fuck.

I dont know about you guys from other coutries, but my country Malaysia is retarded to the max level of retardation existing to the point it breaks and exceeds any set records or levels possible of the word RETARD.

The minute I step into a Starbucks, every idiot going to college (just to name a few.. INTI, Sunway, Taylors, Segi, Nottingham, KDU, Monash, HELP... okay, all colleges) especially the girls I happen to pass by at a table in Starbucks, all gossip about people in their campuses or other campuses that they don't know about personally.. all the damn time.


Smile dumbfucks, you're on Sam Insanity's blog.

I mean seriously.

The gossips are held every fucking day on a daily basis (mainly during lunch time) about

1) Who said what on facebook
2) Who's dating who (or might be)
3) Who likes who
4) What they did last night
5) What clothes they wear
6) How rich they are

Literally for freaking hours and hours, and this doesn't happen only in colleges, it spreads from workplaces, to auntie gatherings, to seminars, to libraries just.. slurring people, GOSSIPING.

Talk about internet controlling their minds... Why not bitch about yourself hos?

Seriously man, Malaysians are lifeless because they didnt need the internet to begin with.. Correction. The 95% of youth and workforce monkeys are dumbfucks who couldn't possibly save their life if they depended on it.

Probably of the 100,000 people in Malaysia given internet, a mere 1000 makes full use about it while the other 99,000 monkeys use it to stalk and cheat on their wives by sending private messages to fake accounts with pictures of girls wearing revealing stuff.

Sadly, none of my intellectually deficit Malaysian countrymen have my
knowledge of easily identifying fake accounts.


The people in Starbucks speak loudly in broken english like:

No life girl 1: Eh you know the long hair guy ah, nehhh that one mah.. come here everyday to sleep. I heard hes model leh

No life guy 1: Macipek.. I hate that guy, so damn show off you know. Wearing his ZARA around, who he think he is? Think he so rich ah? Go study in taloys la!

No life girl 2: Aiyaaaa Dun be like that lah.. he's a nice guy k. Dat day he accept my fren request.

No life girl 1: No way man i hate him so muchhhhh! Dat day I add him on facebook he reject me.

No life guy 1: Walau.. think he is king. No life mannnn

No life girl 1: Cuz think hes model, isk liddat one lahhhhh

No life guy 1: Cibai that guy.. I very dulan hear so much bout him di. Moi diu about him jor lah. Tonight go sing k, k? (monkey language meaning: hit the karaoke) the cheap cheap oneeee.

*A pretty girl walks into Starfucks*

No life guy 1, No life girl 1, No life girl 2: Oyoooo that girl u kno wat I heard bout herrrr......

And it goes on.

I wannn to learn engrishhhh lehhhhhhhh

(They actually speak in short forms, such as 'u', 'k', 'u kno?' 'cuz' mixing cantonese and corrupted engrish which makes me go ohh my fucking lord..)

And yes, that retard talk up there, goes on everyday damn day of the week.

I don't give a flying fuck about all the emptiness in their life, but I'm not going to pity them either for having no future so I'm letting the whole world know how stupid the young people here are.


Solution

At that stage of life being together with so many monkeys everyday who've had the internet taken over their lives and brain-raped over and over and over without knowing they're addicted..?

The only way I could possibly think up to escape retard gathering time is to dump that damn group, and find the right people to talk to such as white people to actually boost communication skills and learning to become more open minded. Otherwise they're going to be encouraged by other monkeys to be monkeys.



2nd Sign, Problem 2: Time Mismanagement


Picture this in your head.

You were selected to brief everyone about a new revolutionary approach to handling a project where the CEO of your company will happen to be there listening. The call time is 8am in the morning.

That's you on the right, and your badass boss is
the bald Vin Diesel guy with the fancy suit on the left.

11:00 pm, your Mind's voice says:




Mind: Alright, I've finally finished studying the notes and don't need them for the presentation. I'm well-prepared, confident, and have completely covered everything. It's time to sleep!


Suddenly, a comforting thought from your fingers stroke the back of your head:


Body: I'll stay online.. for just 5 more minutes... I've worked long.. hard hours.. and I deserve time to myself....


Sound familiar to you?


11.10pm Mind: But I.. should be sleeping.. it's a big one tomorrow, the Boss is going to be there.

This time, your Body's voice insists on facebook time out of curiosity and stalker syndrome of what your friends and crush are doing at this hour.. it puts its feet down.

11.25pm

Body says: It's only JUST 5 minutes anyway..


And that's when you login to facebook, procrastinate sleep over and over until you get catapulted into the future, and realise you've spent 4 hours by the time you logout.

Sleeping time, 3.25am.

Mind says: Fuck.
Doesn't work that way buddy.

The next day you wake up at 9am and arrive at 10am two hours late, then you find out you've been fired from work because the asshole boss does not entertain any form of nonsense.

It isn't his fault though, because you fucked the big presentation up by letting your body take control of you.

Now, since when did your mind get bought over by the Online gods?

The key words to look at in that evil line is.. well pretty much everything.

'Only' 'Just' '5 minutes' 'Anyway' are the words where when you think about them now, you start realise your Body created an action that has taken over your Mind's logical reasoning.

Therefore the constant battle between Mind and Body.

Mind: Hmm.. I can still make it and apologize
Body: She'll embarass you in class anyway, Skip Class

Solution


No comment. Only because this picture is so damn cool.




I'll make it short, stay focused. Usually your body is controlling you because your Mind is still asleep. P.S, coffee does not help.



3rd Sign, Problem 3: A subconscious hobby


Ever came back from work, dropped all the bags on the floor, and sat of the computer for hours?

You are not alone.

This behavior is called 'automated-thinking' which requires minimal amount of brain effort, automagically guiding the body to complete multiple easy jobs whilst overlooking small errors

(which causes big errors like looking at a hot chick while sawing some wood causing your fingers to come off).

*Looking right* Holy.. what a nice ass... Moments later......


Ahem. Anyway, the brain has been influenced to believe that your life has always been this way. Downloading porn and music, deleting junk, ripping movies from DVDs, reorganizing files and surfing for so-called 'knowledge'.

But wait

That's a screaming sign at your face that your mind has been hijacked by the internet demons.

But Sam, how do you stop your mind from being subconsciously controlled by something you have no control over?

Oh but there is a way to control the back of your head.

Solution
A while ago, I created a simple equation to combat automated-thinking.

Mind over Body,
Body over Mind.

Where the mind is equivalent to your Morality and Logical Thinking, while your body is equivalent to Desire and Wants.

Whichever one wins will make or break your actions.

Example 1

Not knowing what the fish just happened, the evil god Sam teleports you to a desert and you spend one whole day without any form of help available to you with the Sun whipping your ass black.


I recall a similar event..


By now you are dying of thirst.

Evil God Sam places a bottle of coke in front of you and you run to grab it, but each time you do come close the bottle shifts places and you hear me laughing in the background.

Body: Ah, finally a drink! I'm saved I'm going to take a gulp n-

Mind: No, the person who did this to me is toying around with me. I shall die with my pride. Then I can go to heaven, find him, and Kick His Ass.

Example 2

You're in a car accident and your hand is stuck in the car wreckage.

If the mindset of your Mind wins out, you'll find Reason and Determination to create the Will to cut your arm off and live.

If your body Wants to nurture the image of a normal man perfect with both arms because of fear you'll be looked down upon by society as the guy who has one arm, you're going to just stay there, and you're going to be dead.


Tempting, but I'd rather not be your slave, Internet.


So as long as your Mind is in control to be able to abstain from the internet and drag the mouse to the Logout button (which is most of the time hidden) then only will you have time to complete other things you've been tasked with, and you'll be saved.

Vice-versa, if your Body becomes lazy enough to not shut down the computer and leave it on for days, you'll develop it into an Addiction and then form a Lifestyle.



4th Sign, Problem 4: Facebook



Nic: We're not talking about a demon here,
we're talking about.. the Devil.

People get guiltless pleasure sneaking onto facebook while pretending to be busy at work when the boss comes around

Currently the largest mind-controlling social network on the planet, facebook is the drug you cannot quit.

Even I tried my best and found myself on again just 2 days later.

It is because of facebook, I am addicted to the internet.

Serious shit yo.

The addiction is very strong and you're likely to stay on Facebook for over 2 hours. My facebook addiction is super strong and I stay on for atleast 8 hours leaving my computer on.

This due to 4 main reasons.

Stalking.

You think to yourself 'how can something be SO useful'? all the information of the person you're looking for has already been displayed. whether you're looking at whether the girl you like is single, where she went last saturday and even how she feels. Facebook is Heaven to all stalkers and perverts because can see whatever you're doing in whichever way, unless you know how to work the Privacy button.


'Ooo look at meee'

Showing off.

Fact? We love showing off. Seriously, we're all human. Sometimes we need to release stress and let people hear us out and feel good about ourselves. The Share button shares anything you want to share to your friends, whether it be a photo or a link, and the Like button just makes the addiction 10 times as worse. The Like button was invented mainly to show how many 'fans' which shows the sportiveness to a corporation/organisation/idol/idea and how we love to be stroked by ego.

However, it evolved and everyone was trained to manipulate the Like feature (or to be manipulated by it) by posting bitchy narcissistic seemingly righteous statuses that broadly criticizes certain individuals or groups without saying who it is just to boost their own ego.Slurring someone you know and smearing shit on their faces that you've got a problem with them, but then again it may not be them. The Coward's Method.

Thankfully, these retards who vent their anger don't know how fast the drama spreads and most of the time get

PWNED while trying to gather the most 'Like's


Nextttttt.

Evil. Pure evil.

Peer pressure. Even if you mange to quit facebook, everyone is freaking using it. Your friends will all talk about it and you'll miss the feeling of getting your ego stroked by all the 'Like' clicks from your buddies and eventually get yourself all emotionally gay enough to get back into facebook.

More than 300 million people's minds have been taken.


Damned Apple sure is sinfully addictive.
No wonder Adam and Eve weren't supposed to touch it

Mobile devices. There's a reason why iphones and blackberrys are the best on the market. it either already has all the major social networks such as fucking facebook, twitter and skype intergrated into the phone, or they've made it extremely open to download, these days for free with no charge.

So whether you're walking or taking a shit, the internet has taken over your mind.

Solution?
None. Unless you sell off your iphone/blackberry and settle down for a very less-addictive phone?



I didn't think so.






5th and Final Sign, Problem 5: Games


Before you have time to retaliate reason being your sworn loyalty to the internet gods of fucking DOTA and WoW, let me just break you down. (and I mean doooown.)


Quote of me doing some pwnage:
Me: I have to warn you not to resist with an attempt to place a feeble attack on me, it probably isn't the wisest cho- I pay $15.00 a month to Live my LIFE.
Don't judge me. *crying*
You don't have the right to. You DON'T KNOW what I've BEEN through.
Who are you to judge me?!
You don't know what I've felt.. and what I'm feeling right now!!!!
So, find something better to do with your time, than judge someone you know nothing about.
You can't possibly understa- Look, buddy.

Your 'life' as you know it, is nothing but a lie.

Everyone who know your about gaming addiction spent months and months nagging you then gave up on passing you the idea where the 'world' you're living in was created by someone on top (Blizzard maybe? Hmm?) to suck money from your mama's wallet when your eyes were fixed on the screen for the stupid First Kill achievement.
That sounds familiar..
And you probably look like this.

Sure girl characters are fun to play with, but 80% girl characters are guys.

Okay, I'll just sink in my corner and shut up now.
And no I don't pretend to use girl characters just to hook up with some hot lesbian chicks online.
They might be men too.
Oh god!
See.. I've been there.
(I am very well informed on how addictive MMO [massive multiplayer online] games can be)

I can even do this.
I'm not proud to say it but I've acquired the same skills playing O2Jam for 3 years during my youth and can hit 1000 combos at speed x5 no problem.
The games I've covered until high-level (equivalent to level 100) are:
Ragnarok Online (lvl 99 Transcendent), Fly For Fun (lvl109), O2Jam (lvl 88),
Gunbound (Silver Dragon), Guild Wars (lvl20) and Maple Story (everything looked stupid so I quit.. thank god. Only monkeys would settle down for that kind of stupid standard of a game)
My expertise in games makes me a handsome ultra-nerd. But anyways, fuck that shit.



And his years of youth to keep us aliiiiiive
I didn't learn or get anything new skills from my becoming $300.00 less wealthier buying game items and membership fees crap during my gaming addiction 'hikikomori' era.
My god.. you've gone through what I did, and even got out of it, Sam!
Truth be told, if that damn O2Jam game didn't go bankrupt and shut down, I would still be leeching off my parent's wallet, which makes me feel how lucky I am.
There are others just like you all over the world, waiting to be saved by me.' "

I don't blame you for what happened though.

Most of the time it's all because of school's fault which is why we grow up in such fucked up ways.... andddd because all parents brainwash us into thinking that education is all we need in life.. and a lot more shit you have to know like how diplomas are useless.

....Dammit, it's TRUE. I want my life and girlfriend back. (God I think she's married by now..)
What have I become!

Can't help you there my old Paladin, or perhaps I can. Aside from clicking that, you could sell off your account for a few bucks and work as a damn clerk, but at best just don't let your kid grow up to be a fuck-up just like you.

My ultra-rare items collected over 2 years are worth $10 bucks..

If you're good though, and I mean really good at MMO you could make a living out of it like

Fatal1ty, the number one gamer in the world.
Raked in $500,000 over his gaming career since the age of 7.

Otherwise, stay in your goddamned shell like the comfortable dream provided by Japan as shown below :-


These days the idea of 'heaven' just isn't that far away anymore

Most of the time people just suck at life and retreat to their rooms.. and then come out 8 years later realizing how much time they've wasted. (seriously, at the age of 30? Warcraft? Seriously??)


Solution


If there's one thing more powerful for your Mind to combat your Body's addiction of games, it's thinking about the Future.

Growing up to be old, fat, useless, cost-burdening and a heart-wreching slime for your parents to look at everyday is an easy drive to get you to stop playing games, if you think deeply about it.

Next article upcoming article.. the 9 things they don't teach you in schools.


~Sam Insanity

10 comments:

  1. HAhahahahaha, i guess ive been controlled for 8 years..

    ReplyDelete
  2. so what's your verdict on this article? i'm sure every post that discusses a topic has a verdict of its own, even a short one :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. its a sign and a solution. i dont make assumptions :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Haha. Guess I'm one of the few who managed to finish this, great job Sam! Hope you get back to writing for Cracked.com again :)

    ~Martin

    ReplyDelete
  5. i know some swiss families that found a realy nice solution how to prevent their children from being an internet addicted. the children can watch just 1hour a day a monitor(doesnt matter if its computer or tv).
    be true to yourself, when we were kids we went to play outside with our friends, not hooking up on facebook;)
    ps: sorry for my messy english;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh gawd, the second sign is basically me in a nutshell D:
    so since its almost midnight now I will listen to your advice and GO TO SLEEP WOO
    ~

    ReplyDelete
  7. Another would be if you take your time to up shit like this.

    ReplyDelete
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