Misery. Blog post 130th. Burst of happiness

"The combination of mood swings and
forgetfullness is not cool."

Dear Diary,
it's Sunday the 23rd of May 2010
5.20pm in the afternoon, I'm feeling empty. So empty.


I feel stoned.

Every day I wake up from bed, I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, what I want to do and who do I want to be.

It's been a replay of life over and over again.

Even though I know there's like 10 tests to study for and assignments to complete, I strangely feel dead inside and couldn't give a damn about it.

What's even more strange was that during the first day of college, I was like an 'A' student, paying full attention in class and shit, now I can't even get myself out of bed.

I hear things, I see things. I don't know who I am.

I have depression, and I don't want anyone to come near me.

My gaming addiction came back, its not good at all. Its manufactured product by individuals looking to make it big in this world by selling dreams.. ah how good it feels.. to just lie down and do nothing but click stuff in a make-believe world.

Lifelessness.. emptiness... for the longest time, I've had a suspicion I'm suffering from bipolar disorder, or Alzheimer's disease

I haven't been eating well for a long time, my weight is at 67 kilos. On some days I don't eat for a whole day, others I chug down whatever I see, I can't control it.

I miss gym like hell, assignments are not keeping me from gym. It's the thoughts.. the thoughts.. the thoughts.. the thoughts.. the thoughts...

I'm always in a hurry to go nowhere, I hate crowded places and like to be alone.

People are afriad of me.

I don't feel worthless, but I feel empty.

On youtube, this lady is typing out her feelings, and strangely, I can totally relate to her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ7uTaNgNNw

___________________________________________

Just came back from eating noodles with the family.

I am going to set my shit straight, right now.

Goals have to be set. I need to go back to my breakdance and vocal classes

Music saves me.

Keeping myself busy is the key to getting me to move

Games? Fuck this shit. total waste of time, I have better thing to do *closes*

Old man once told me : Be happy all the time, not happy-go-lucky.

This blog.. is great. This just proves, if I admit I have problems, I can start to solve them.

If I surround myself with people, I'll be okay.

If I keep on thinking, it'll be pointless because of my endless contradictions to myself.

I can't be alone, otherwise I'll start to think psychotic thoughts.

To be myself again.. I need my 9 highs.

Nothing is impossible, if I set my mind to it.

Fat? Go gym lah...

The mistake I've made is shutting myself out to people, when I should be opening myself to meet new people

Who cares if they try to use me, its good if I find out, then Idont need to be cautious and I can be myself again. Good and bad people, I want to meet them both.

There must be love and joy.

I grew my hair long for this moment.

Dancing around naked in my room to music is THE BEST.

Bouncing up and down with my ass on my bed with headphones on

I'm looking outside my window right now, after 3 years living here


It's the first time I'm seeing such a beautiful view.

Hyper Hyper Hyper



~Sam Insanity Sunshine, out.

From now on...

"From now on..."

Dear Diary,
9.30am, it's Sunday morning
I'm feeling a pain in my little heart for her.

I have decided, I will do it for her sake. People like her need to be given a chance to shine their brightest. With all my power, I will make sure it happens.


~Sam Insanity Sunshine

I know how to do it now...

"Finally, I found out the source of my powers"


Dear Diary,
2.15pm at Starbucks (asia cafe)
my greatest finding in journey to self-discovery

The 9 mediums in life that bring me back to life,
the awakening of insanity:

Brash, Callous bi-polarity, Isolation, Music, Alcohol, Drugs, Sugar Hyperactivity, Pain and Speed

When my silence and annoyance is dominant, each of these are not present.
I need to get my fix. I must remember these, or I will forget who I am.

Emotional music touches my soft side, Shouting Screaming, funky loud beat music feeds my insanity.

The only way to harness my powers instantly, is to punch something.

My secret mission is ongoing, 5 months to go.

By the way, I must learn to smile more.


Diary, signing off.

~Sam Insanity Sunshine.

Haters. Do you know how stupid this looks?

"May I present to you, doctor simon edward the retard."

Lol.. the funniest hate reply I have ever read in my blog.

Haters, let me bold out how stupid this looks.


(with a small d -> )doctor simon edward said...

well. i have been reading your blog since last two weeks !! i am from england by the way !! well, i think ..i really think that you have no life !! haha, really !! you wouldnt write a diary if you have a life !! you are lost in your life !! deep down in your heart, ask yourself, what have you done that really make yourself feel proud !! i guess not, if you have you would have posted and write it down here !! so anyway, good going !! loser !!! ciao, i am a psychologists. i have been working for almost ten years so i can really read you. if you have any problem feel free to contact me !! free advices..

April 30, 2010 2:26 PM

______________________________________________

Right 'doctor'. Let's see assess how you write like after 10 years being in the industry.

• No capital letters.
• Despite presumably concluding a report, says 'i think.. i really think'
  
• Presence of unstable emotions with hurtful intentions with number of 'you's stated.
  
• Very unusually long reply.
  
• Shitty english.
  
• No contact number, no proof of profession.
• Very bad grammar
  

ciao, i am a psychologists.

Psychologist my ass. HAHAHAHA xD. I happen to be learning psychology right now.

Conclusion, I can tell you really are a low-life Malaysian shithead born and bred from a slut in horrible streets of Chow Kit hiding behind the internet. :)

Instead of being a blood sucker on other people's blog, go get a life.

Oh, and sorry for the late reply, I only blog twice a week at most due to my very busy schedule filled with studies, gym, modeling part-time, vocal classes, time for family and friends.

Thanks for making my day feel so much better, mr. psychologists <- with an S.

Stupid people these days.. XD

~Sam Insanity Sunshine.