I just had sex

While you're waiting for me to finish.... writing (you dirty bastard you) my next article '8 important things they don't teach you in school'

I'll just give my blog a small update from Saturday Night Live.

This SNL's Digital Short was released couple of days ago.

Saw this at 300 views 3 days ago on my digg News --->

To be honest I remember in 2005 Akon released a song called 'I Wanna Love (Fuck) You'

and in December 2010 Akon released 'I Just Had Sex' ft. Lonely Island so.............

I guess it took 5 years but he finally lost his virginity, congratulations Akon!

~Sam

My horrendous sunblock experience.

It was over 2 years ago.. I remember as plain as day, 28th of June 2008. The look of horror on my face from receiving an official PLKN letter from the Malaysian government ordering me to serve at Malaysia's National Service (the 'army').

Age 17, I had to endure 3 months of hell wearing an itchy terribly ill-designed clown-like defective blue-black-and white(?) striped underwear of a clothing on my whole body that would make us easy shooting targets if we were ever at war with our sex-starved ageing population neighbor, Singapore.

Army uniform fail.

Come to think of it, our superior M-16 rifle training lasted a 'gruelling' 3 minutes.

While we scratch our heads holding the M-16s, the Singaporeans train with Bazookas for 2 years compared to our beautifully crafted 3-month effortlessness.

(Forgot to mention, the clothes were used over and over by different batches for about 8 years.)

Absolutely DISGUSTING.

Other useless knowledge gained from the camp was learning some very useful words like 'pukimak', 'pantat lu tembam', 'babi poyo', 'sial babi', 'bongok', 'ma cau hai', 'nei ge lou mou', 'ham ka chan', 'sei ma lau zhai', 'yin wong~' from both races (the Mat-rempit parang-wielding Malay monkeys and gangster drug-abusing cigarette-smuggling Chinese ah-bengs)

who didn't manage to complete high school cyber-cafe DOTA dropouts sucking parent's money dry.

What the most intellectually talented individuals in National Service look like.

I even met an 18-year old genius who accidentally impregnated his girlfriend and has a baby for his parents to care for?! What the Fish?

Ugh, Malaysia's situation is so bad I'll actually have to continue next time or ramble on forever.

Let's put my darkest times in that prison for another blog post shall we?

The truth about NS remains untold.

That is if you really really do want me to blog about my pointless,

mortifying near-death experience at this controversial pathetic 'army'.

Let me know and I'll tell you allllllll about it. *vomit*

_________________________________________________

The sunblock experience

Two days before departing from the bearable polluted city of Kuala Lumpur, into the unbearable filthy PLKN training camp in Summerset Resort at Pahang's Kuala Rompin which was SHUT DOWN earlier this year for overflowing with malaria mosquitoes and dog shit, I went to pick up some necessities in our local shopping mall at Jaya Jusco.

As a city boy I've only been to the beach probably only 8 times in my life as a kid, and 3 times as a teenager on my own. My dearest mummy used to pamper my squeaky bum with some weird smelling chinese cream while responsibly letting me run nude on the beach as a toddler.

Good times...

At the age of 17 with no knowledge of sunblock as a result of years living the pampered life in the city, I asked some sales assistants for help.

It turns out the role of a sales 'assistant' is meant to bloody boost the sales of products instead of assisting the customers.

So I was fooled into buying this.

Whatever bullshit they feed your brain using complex scientific terms such as 'enriched with Vitamin E', 'effective skin whitening', 'surprising skin repairing results' and 'Bioactive collagen whatever from Europe',

All skin products are the same and already have the same features as up there ^

The thing is, Nivea body whitening cream that sounded like such a damn good sunblock which included 'UV Protection' wasn't even a freaking sunblock.

You could imagine what happened next.

Hours and hours standing in the sun with that useless 'UV Protection' cream really burned the Kentucky Fried hell out of my face and neck which resulted in me retreating to the filthy fungi-beds of the camp.

Years later, I am now using a very dependable SUN BLOCK

Yes people, use Ocean Potion's sunblock instead of useless WHITENING or UV PROTECTING creamy bullshit.

Life is all about trial and error, and differentiating between an Sunblock and a Whitening lotion was probably the silliest thing a man could learn.

So what did I learn from buying 'whitening cream' from scamming sales assistants?

-Whitening lotions are NOT sunblocks.

-Next time, ask lady friends you personally know for help.

Women working in shopping malls are just plain shallow.

~Sam Insanity

Quitting the addictive Facebook.

Dear Fans, Friends, Family (and curious strangers?)

If you want to know what facebook is doing with your account data, click here.

I am officially dumping facebook as of Friday 26th November 2010.

Piece of shit's been leeching my life force away far too long and keeping me from progress.

There is more to life out there than just facebook.

Facebook is one hell of a drug, you feel you can't live without it.

I've tried quitting, and I failed three times with half-assed attempts.

Only the strong and the brave can stop this addiction with their desire and willpower.

Even though it is evident some day I will be back again, I cannot bear to login 14 times a day any longer.

With all my Mind over my Bodily desires..

I quit Facebook,

You should too.

It will be back to claim me again, but I shall do my very best to live my life controlling facebook, not letting facebook control me.

edit* 3 days later I'm back on.. Fuck.

~Sam Insanity

Best video, ever.

While you're visiting, watch one of the many best videos I have ever seen in my life.

Chinese Translation by M. Ward

I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met an old, old man
beneath a weeping willow tree
He said "Now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three"

And I said
"What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart?"
and "How can a man like me remain in the light?"
and "If life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long?"
and then the sun went down
and he sang for me this song

"See I once was a young fool like you
afraid to do the things
that I knew I had to do
So I played an escapade just like you
I played an escapade just like you
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met an old, old man
he sat beneath a sapling tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
"What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart?"
and "How can a man like me remain in the light?"
and "If life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long?"
and then the sun went down
and he sang for me this song

A Strange Party: Hennessy Artistry Malaysia 2010

Hennessy Artistry HALO Malaysia 2010

Hennessy Artistry.... what a strange event.

This November's issue of JUICE Magazine has photos of me and a few friends inside it at the middle section about Hennessy Artistry at Mist Club (where I first met 'her')

Rewinding back to earlier this year.

Coincidentally, I already met the artiste line up Da Zui Ba (Da Mouth) and Mizz Nina just a few months back.

It was also because of Hennessy Artistry I was able to meet my current girlfriend O_O

(Details at the middle of the post)

Back in the 27th of February 2010 the Da Mouth X PUMA Create Your Style event (The Opera, at Sunway Pyramid) was done by my beloved PRs, Farrell Tan and Craig Selby from Orchan Consulting Asia.

On that afternoon earlier we met with the band along with the media.

Handshakes were exchanged and we had a nice chat about the food in Taiwan. Later they gave me a copy of their album (for free).

A colourful bunch!

uhh...... anyway

Mizz Nina and Colby O' Donis also held an event earlier this 2010 at our club, Zouk Club KL on the 17th July 2010 for their live album launch.

I was given a goodie bag containing an album (again), and cheap quality Mizz Nina headphones (that could never possibly compete with my Pioneer HDJ-2000 Professional DJ Headphones, even in a million years.)

Not only did Hennessy Artistry bring the artistes back again to Malaysia, but more importantly this event brought me and a gorgeous girl (don't click) together, and we started seeing each other.

Again, details on the middle of post!

Fast-forwarding to the most recent Hennessy Artistry Halo on the 23rd of October 2010.

I walked upstairs. Not knowing why, I was whisked away to the celebrity's wall where 20 photographers were waiting with DSLRs snapped hundreds of photos of me.

At the celebrity wall.

With Michelle Lee ~

Walking around the mixing section, I caught up with a very gorgeous lady.

Meow!

Right after, I bumped into Sarah May Low for the first time!

I then bumped into Sheena Liam and Amanda Soo,

for the first time again?!

(photo by Amanda)

with Suphie Sim

(photo by Andy Kho)

From the left:

korean sis Ashley, Chammaine, Leonard, Jason, korean bro Josh Lim and Alicia.

(photo by Jason)

Knowing her since February, finally met Chammaine Tan,

for the first time?!

with Marilyn Woo

(photo by Nelson)

With Nelson Teon

(an excellent photographer)

Drinks up!

(photo by Nelson)

And they say, the rest

Was history.

Tell you how I met my girlfriend.

Back in September, it was when I went to Hennessy Artistry at Mist Club with one of my really great buddies whom I met at Johnnie Walker's Black Circuit Party VIP Party.

The one, and the only, the famous Jason Ong (who is also absolutely AMAZING at photography!).

Jason working the shades

(photo by Jason)

I told you he's an excellent photographer, he took all these photos!

Ma bro Jason also introduced me to my new korean sister, Ashley Ahn! (who shockingly, happens to be my neighbour living on the same street. what!?)

With Ashley Ahn

(photo by Jason)

I FINALLY met Michelle Lee after god knows how long.

With Michelle Lee again!

(photo by Jason)

Hours passed. Pictures were taken~

With buddies Josiah Mizukami and MC of the night, Justin Bratton

(photo by Jason)

Stephanie Lee, Jeniifer Foh, Chloe, Yen, Jane Kwan and I

VIP area was fun but getting boring.

Free-flow whiskey had ran out so I walked out to spend some time chilling around.

At the door was greeting me with a grin was the pretty Suphie Sim, in misery :(

While everyone else was partying inside, she was all alone while it was raining outside, loyal to her job. I pitied her and decided to keep her company!

Suddenly I felt a cold shudder and swore some eyes were watching me from behind my shoulder. I turned around and saw a group of Hennessy girls with that one girl in it.

Can you guess which lady started dating me? :)

Feeling a little chilly I told Suphie I must have imagined 'she' was watching me and went back into Mist Club. Little did I know Suphie talked to 'her' and we found each other on facebook! We clicked after a few dinners and movie night outs. We have been together since then.

Meow!

I have a feeling the next Hennessy Artistry is going to alter my life once again..

one way or another.

TO BE CONTINUED... The Passion for Fashion Event

~Sam Insanity

Car tires slashed

..or so I thought.

Some fucking smelly asshole decided to be educated and deflated my tires.

We wasted a whole hour hunting for mechanics to roll them back to the workshop and pump them back up, and I wasted an extra $20.00 from my already empty wallet.

This poor little immigrant shit imported from Myanmar must have been the joker behind all this.

Reasons for suspicion:

1. This dickhead was smiling hard for some reason
2. He tried very hard to avoid eye contact with me and the car while everybody else was staring.
3. Even though I didn't block the exit, the only person who would give a shit about the car parked nearby the exit would be this useless security guard.
4. He walked suspiciously fast back into the college when I called him to come here.
5. Students were all tired from finishing class carrying heavy books walking back home. They would stop for an Audi, not a fucking Kembara.
6. Construction workers were tired, having a tea break outside sitting down having snacks and a smoke, plus their smart and don’t have time to kill, like the retard.

Tell you how our day started.

It started out with me waking up on lazy Thursday afternoon with sleepy eyes, squirming back and forth on her bed sheets flipping my shotgun to a comfortable position from the infamous heat of Malaysia (you know the feeling).

My girlfriend Copykate bugged me for lunch and we ventured out despite having a lazy mood already set to somewhat crave for her good ol’ home-cooked Campbell’s mushroom soup.

We dragged our lazy arses to somewhere particularly around the area nearby our apartment. Little did we know we would quickly come to regret that decision, as ‘every dog has it's day’.

We circled around twice looking for a parking and I parked my car near Sunway College’s side exit which was locked.

The Lunchbox

http://thelunchbox-malaysia.com

Don’t you just hate being short on cash?

We had Butter Fish Rice, Thai Chili Chicken Rice, Loh Mai Kai and my favourite sparkling apple juice at The Lunchbox.

The whole bill came out as $18.00, and $6.00 was in my wallet, hah.

The cashier gave me a disapproving look and I told my girlfriend to wait for me.

I took a 5 minute walk from The Lunchbox wearing small blue hawaiian boxers (embroidered with white flowers), into Sunway University College for the cash machine whilst getting glances all over from girls and gays towards my shotgun, horny envious eyes them be.

Walking back feeling a wee bit richer, I noticed my car slumping oddly on its side halfway returning to The Lunchbox. Looking closely, I saw my tire lying impotent and thought to myself I must have driven over pointed objects. However, I spotted another tire lying pathetically impotent on the dirt and knew this had to be the work of a rat.

Bystanders watching the repairwork.

Car being lifted

Tires unscrewed

Tires removed, I peeked into the hole

Found the asshole’s kidney stone inside, used to deflate my tires

A furious Kate Lee

What a nice day.

Next time I see that shit sucking fly security guard I’ll sock a nice jab to his face.

~Sam

The useless police.. the perfect Sunday.

Note:

Skip to middle of page to see the perfect sunday~

Sunday! Oh praise the lord if I ever believe in him.

(This day totally necessary in our lives. Stress management baby.)

Damned police..

It was after working a night as the Ambassador of Zouk at a chaotic fully packed Zouk Club KL filled with fun dressed-up guests (even Lady Gaga was there) along with Hitz.fm and Red.fm in our giant halloween event, the 'Funhouse Horrors'.

I rode my bicycle home... slipping past the hectic jam piling up from the cars exiting the club and parking lots.

Everyone outside was in a great mood, then SUDDENLY on my way home I and 30 other cars were witnessing 5 men beating up a poor half naked fellow

with a bloody face

at the bus stop in front of the British Council at Jalan Ampang 3.30am.

I dialled 999 emergency line and asked for the police.

Disappointment, to what happened next.

My conversation with the police :-

______________________________________

Me: Are you the police?

Police: Yes. What do you want?

Me: There's a guy being wacked up by 5 other guys at the bus stop in front of the British Council

Police: British Council? That place is very near Bardar Tun Razak police station at Jalan Ampang.

Me: Please hurry.

______________________________________

(They mobilised their units 30 minutes later and called me, told me the culprits got away)...

but that wasn't the biggest disappointment

I was relieved when I came across a police car giving a ticket to another car (bribing as usual). This was just right after calling the line and just 3 minutes leaving the terrible scene.

I stopped the car, and pulled down my window.

Keep in mind I was dressed like this!

My halloween costume before going to Zouk

(make up done by Copykate)

Me: *waving hand frantically out of the car window*

Police: *looking at my costume* What the heck are you supposed to be? Where did you come from?

Me: I just came from Zouk Club KL, I work there.

Police: *surprised face*

Me: Anyway there's a guy being wacked up by 5 other guys at the bus stop in front of the British Council, please go there now!!!

Police: Ok you go back to the scene and call 999, I'm still writing a ticket to this car...

______________________________________

So I left pissed and just went home. Sigh...

USELESS POLICE.

Anyway my life everyday isn't so dramatic as the story ^ up there.

the perfect sunday~

I woke up on Sunday afternoon with a smile on my face listening to scratching sounds behind my ear, she cuddled me to her chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Smelling her hair, out of the blue I said- 'Lesh go swimming.'

Her: 'Haaaa~?! I don't have a swimming suit, what am I going to wear!'

Me: 'My clothes.'

I opened my windows and smelled the air, and so we went swimming!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard a 20-year old didn't know how to swim. Srsly?

I was born near the ocean. (I miss the ocean.. I've been stuck in Kuala Lumpur all my life)

I gave her my personal swimming class here...

Before going for the swim:

Her usual self.

My usual self.

Here comes swimming!

I actually got her to catch these very cool photo of me.

The poor girl was drowning :(

Before

After :)

I taught her how to breathe and kick properly!

Yay! (isn't she adorable?)

I took just one day to teach her how to swim!

Us C:

You know what I'm thinking?

Obby.

So I taught her how to swim in just one day.

Excuse me, but I tend to think about money all the time so

Whoever wants to learn how to swim in one day,

leave your contact details on my comment

I'll charge RM4.00 or a burger per hour......I'm really not serious about this if you thought I was.

Speaking of burgers, I actually ate 5/6 of this 3 kilo Eurodeli pork burger from the Matterhorn Challenge 3 weeks ago along with my new bros Jason Chan, Harinder and Mike Yip with guest appearance by the gorgeous Michelle Lee!

It is bigger than my head. Literally.

Anyways, right after the long swim with my girlfriend (2 hours!?), we went inside and ate noodles (on a side note, this girl can really eat chilli padis).

Then I started telling her about chicken.. the texture and tastes, oh god foodithinkicandieeating!

I told her how I used to try learning how to cook but almost chopped my thumb off.

She didn't really believe me and made her this!

I call it: Chocki BanaNanana~

That's as perfect as a Sunday gets. It's time to eat our indo-mee downstairs for dinner.

To be continued...

~Sam Insanity