And it knocks you down. . .
~21st of June 2009 : 5.50pm~
Today, I write about another heartache I'm feeling. A few years ago I met Jackie on a website, had some fun, played around, we liked each other and started dating around this year's May 2009, things went really well. I heared from her friend Sadie that she deals with stress all the time because her life's really giving her a hard time, and I try to make her happy, even though my life is as stressful as hers.
She's playful around me, sexy, clever, cute, sneaky and just amazing. She being my girlfriend made me feel complete, and she told me she felt the same about me being her boyfriend. I started saving up money to try to see her in a year.
One fine day she decides to be a tease, not telling me anything at all. Well I didn't really mind, until it went on for weeks. Every time I asked her a question, she would reply a simple 'maybe..'. It started pissing me off when she kept some things important from me giving me a 'maybe' for each answer. She please herself playing with me, and each time I was hurt. Not knowing what was happening and what to do, I worried over her and lose alot of sleep.
Every fucking time she'd tell me her problems only when I pressed her about it, it's annoying like fuck. I know it stresses her and me, but what is the god damn point of me being her boyfriend if she won't even confide in me? Questioning her over and over and over again just to find out what was happening to her really pisses me off.
What made it worse was when I discovered some painful things about her, she'd tease me with those hurtful things, I felt like she had my heart in her hand and crushed it. at the same time slowly puncturing it with needles over and over. I scolded her to stop it and didn't want her to talk to me about it again because it made me feel pain and she promised me she wouldn't do it, that she would be careful around those creepy guys, that she loves me deeply, and I believed her.
Things were briefly going okay. One day we were fooled around with each other, we sent each other some very sensitive sexy pictures of each ourselves. I even put on a nice sexy show meant only for her to enjoy, to please her, because I love her and wanted to have some fun.
Fucking turns out she let her friend fucking watch me embarrass myself in front of my webcam and pretended to like what I was doing. Jackie even fucking copied my secret sexy photos and gave them to that same friend. I was devastated, I wanted to scream at her or just fucking kill myself right there right then.
I managed control myself and barely to brush it off for our sake and even became friends with her friend, even until now I think Jackie was really stupid for doing that to me. I would never share sexy photos of her with even my most closest buddy, thats fucking offensive. Fucking hell I want those photos of me erased... they aren't special anymore and I feel drained and humiliated.
She promised me that she would never ever hide things like that from me again, and while still in love, I believed Jackie.
Today was the last straw. She told me she found a new job and didn't tell me what it was, she was hiding something from me again. By now she should've known that telling me bits of things and keeping the rest of the story really pisses me off like hell and makes me worry over her for nothing.
Really I care too much. I can't take her stupid teasing anymore anymore and want her to tell me things straight to my face. She thought I wasn't serious when I told her I'd stop talking to her for a month if she didn't tell me, but I blocked her and sent her an email that I was dumping her for hiding things from me.
Trust is needed in a relationship, and she didn't trust me at all, doesn't believe what I say. Well whatever it's over. Today in dance class, I was so sad, hurt and upset that I just didn't have any dance in me and didn't feel like moving. Right now as I'm typing in my house, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to ear anything, I feel sick to the stomach.
Jackie doesn't know that I've been hurt so so many times in the past from my past relationships with my ex's, that it's hard for me to trust someone.
I give up on Jackie, all her promises are lies, she wants to keep things from me and block me just to avoid telling things to me, fine. But I'm tired of of it. I'm tired of relationships like these and I'm tired of being hurt. I don't want to trust anyone again, it's going to take me a very long time to recover.. years, I just know it.
I just want to be alone curled up in a ball. . . I don't want to love anyone ever again if it's this painful. I want to cry but the tears just won't flow. I don't want to eat anything, I might as well starve to death in my room.