Regrets.

"Listen. Listen to what I am about to tell you. The Story of my life.
Forced to follow someone else's footsteps through the longest passage of time,
I didn't have the courage to say no. Until now"

Dear Diary,
Today is Tuesday
the 9th of March 2010,
1300 hours and I'm about to head out on a mission.


Age of 2, I remember clearly how I got this huge scar on my left arm and almost bled to death, I could've died that day but I didn't, I lived in a tall green apartment closeby to Bandar Seri Bagawan, where the river was brown and polluted, I saw a crab clinging ontop of a rice pack once!

Age of 5, I remember going to government schools in Brunei, transferring to many many schools, taking tuition, also attempting to bribe my tutor with money not to give me homework, haha (: On and off I still remember visiting Jerudong Park, which is closed I think. I also remember a small bug jumped somewhere close to my forehead but I couldn't feel it with my fingers so I used scissors and cut my eyebrows off, haha. We were always enjoying spending time with our dear Aunt Shirley and Uncle Keong.

Age of 8, I remember my first memory of Malaysia, we were approaching a tollgate, must've been Kesas. I remember living in 202DC for the longest time. I remember enrolling into primary school at Sayfol, people I could recall during this time was John, Alqudri, Nijel, Ashwin, that fucker Siew Meng, Yew Ren, Coleen Yong, Jamie, Eugene, Raj, Rek Sekine and Siddharth. We were all kids, I used to be the nerdy one, haha.

Age of 12, between the previous ages, I can barely recall anything at all during this age the time gaps in between, I guess I was monkeying around. I don't remember when but I 'think' we moved back to Brunei for a short while or something and moved then back to Malaysia.

Age of 14, as far as I can remember throughout my nostalgic memories, I was probably the nerdiest and dorkiest person in school, wondering what this life had to offer. I remember sitting by the basketball court, singing a song to myself and feeling the world around me.

Age of 16, I was a Gaiaonline addict, as well as a gamer, O2Jam, Cabal, Runescape, Stepmania, Gunbound? I played everything. I didn't have a life back then, at the same time I thought bad of education, everything was carefree, that was back then. In the spurt of the moment I managed to convince my school's Principal and vice-principal to drop 6 out of 9 subjects (including Math, wow!) and I ended up going to school only twice a week. I scored 2 credits, and as fate had it I needed 1 more (minimum 3 credits) to enrol into college..hah. I still didn't know what I wanted.

Age of 19, by this time I had wasted a year simply doing GCE A' Levels, later my dad talked me into working with him, I wasted another 3 years feeling like shit, wondering about life, I hated the job more than anything, I hated travelling up and down doing shitty office errand boy jobs, everything felt fake and fabricated, I wanted to get a real job from outside. I was convinced by my parents that I had no qualifications to, I couldn't say no. Everyday going crazy in the car, wondering what I could do with my oriental looks, or if they were worth anything at all.

Age of 19 (about to hit 20), by sheer luck, destiny and my mom's nagging, I was discovered by Amber Chia at Ford Models Malaysia and topped the top 10 male finalist, made so many new friends. Met babyuko and became best friends, got into photoshoots and people are really noticing me wherever I go.

I can't express just how glad I am to have gone into Ford Models (though I didn't secure the top 7), my life started when I turned 20. Being forced to do something and to do something of your own will are two completely different things.

But I admit, to be honest, I've really regretted wasting so much time while I was younger. If only I knew what I wanted at that ripe age. The good thing about working at dad's office is that it taught me 'some' lessons and built character. The bad thing is I'm fucking 20 right now!!

Today I am 20, people around the world have achieved something by the time they hit my age, I would even have finished my degree by now, but I'm just stuck here doing nothing. In 5 years time when I'm 25 that's the age to freaking get married.

People everywhere just keep telling me I am young, there's still time, but to me, I am already late in life, very late and I don't want to waste any more time.

I would pick Fame over Money, atleast in that way, I'll be remembered before I grow old enough. Sure I've regretted, but there's no way in hell I can turn back the time now. I had to use my heart or my smart, thinking so damn long whether to further my education, or to follow my dreams, but I have finally decided.

I am going to follow my dreams, I will Hesitate no more.

I only get to live once.


~Sam