Death, Decisions, Kill, Suicide.



I would like to remind my curious random readers that I will write whatever I want into my blog diary in this small space of the vast internet and it will never be subjected to change.

I will not entertain requests to change my material and feelings, so Shut the fuck up before asking me to take some shit out or write something more 'interesting', this is my diary, go make your own. If you don't like it, Leave.
-Sam, 6:40am

My Death

"See those tombstones?
No, I dont want to be laid to rest there.
While I'm living, I want to decide the way I die.
I want to be far far away from everyone..
I'd preserve my hair, but toss my ashes into the sea.
I'd rather not have my body eaten by maggots inside of a coffin
But instead be part of the ocean. I am different.

Wow, I made something so gross sound so beautiful "

Dear Diary,
It's fucking 6:35am in the morning,
I can't sleep because I slept at 7pm.

In the beginning it was all about fear. My greatest fear was.. the fear of the unknown.

Usually to conquer that fear, you have to find out and work around it, get accustomed to how it works and that takes alot of time. Fear nothing and plunge my hand into the darkness, otherwise I won't do it if there's a chance my hand gets chopped off, yeah that's me.

"Work, secret classes, studies, picking up a skill, it was impossible to balance it all." -quoted previous post.

The hell, it was way too easy. I'm currently having gym in the mornings, secret classes on afternoons and part-time work as a bartender at KLCC from 5pm to 11pm earning $2000 a month (half of it from tips), not to mention my other small jobs on the side for extra $ .

Once I get this shit for studies sorted out, I'll be studying in college by next week taking classes in the afternoons and gym in the evening/weekend. I have had so many people tell me 'a model's life only lasts 4 years', it seems it doesn't occur to them I should already know about having a back-up plan.

Decisions Decisions Decisions..

"When decisions are hard, fuck it.
Simple is best."

Make best of what I know and what I can do.
What I can't do, I learn.
What I can't learn, I pay others to do.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

"I admit, I secretly love causing hurt."

Hmm.. I notice I have the same personality found in serial killers.

What would happen if I kept working at that office?
What would happen if I really did pick up that knife that day?
What would happen if those malay punks at military actually punched me in the face?

If there's one thing I would not want anyone to see, it would be me in berserk mode wielding a knife brutally slashing a very unlucky guy and his face mutilated beyond recognition.

Then again, it's not like I'll point a knife at the innocent, if I happen to kill it would be with reason, it would be for self-defence, it would be because I was forced to put someone out of their misery, or it would be because of some idiot who tried to mess with me or someone I care about.

Stress. Being provoked. Betrayal. Jealousy. Lust. Desire. Pain. Revenge. These are all the traits that people have in them, that can be seen easily in me. There will be one day I wont be able to contain that rage, and all hell on earth would break loose. I do believe that one day I won't be able to hold back, I hope that day will never come. I hope I would jump off the bridge before I do so.

I confess when I'm fucking angry, I actually enjoy hurting someone. It's part of my sadistic nature. I havent done it in a long while. I am human after all.

Next to you on a bus,
I could be a serial killer, you never know.

~Sam Insanity Sunshine

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